say it.

words…i have plenty…about the weather, which is unseasonably warm for january, about my friends, one of whom is now considered a superhero by all my accounts…about how you can be caught off guard by exactly how close you can feel to any one friend, given the moment that you both find yourself struggling through at any point…about how a missed birthday greeting (regardless of how much you told yourself not to expect it in the first place) can affect you, no matter how great your bday turns out to be otherwise…because this makes things final…even when you’d told yourself months ago that things were as final as they could be…about money and how you have enough, in one respect, but then not enough to do everything you want, when you want, and how you want.

i have words about the heart and about how with every new flex of its muscles, you wonder if you’re making the right decision. and your heart says it’s happy, whether what you’re doing works out or not…and that trying, alone, is always the right decision because love is worth taking a chance for, no matter the situation…

…words about stress and happiness and wisdom–which you can gain every day, if you’re paying attention…about how being open to trying new beers can fill you up so fast, you don’t care to try anymore…because, you just don’t understand…beer..and everyday beer drinkers…words about writing and how amazing it feels while you’re doing it, but that the struggle is actually in the motivation–not the words themselves.

i think you can be afraid, when words are your preferred medium, about the picture you’ll paint once you put them down. you don’t want to say anything to belittle your happiness, or sadness, or hope for any particular situation to work out the way you want. words can cover all that, but your heart will only express what you’re feeling in that moment…right now, i’m feeling…excitement…hopefulness, but i’m also feeling pretty stubborn about a particular situation…because i refuse to settle, and i refuse to let anyone settle for me…but that’s not to say that i don’t feel afraid/anxious about a friend & her health…or about upcoming travel i’m nervous about planning.

words. pick, choose, and share how you like…but no matter what you put down, those words will be correct, because as 2 of my best friends always tell me, “it’s how you feel…”…quite simply the best advice/affirmation i’ve gotten in years.

 

so here’s the thing…i’ve apparently lost motivation to sit still long enough to string a group of words together coherently (among other things)…i’ve lost focus…if i ever really had it in the first place. i’m having a good time, experiencing new things and people, but have completely gotten away from documenting these things with more than a tweet or pic on facebook.
…am working on it though. summer’s over…fall time’s writing time. and i’ve got to stop worrying about the fact that everything i want to write is not positive or funny…but true and current…it’s life…and this is my spot to express mine…can’t be concerned with boring or hurting anybody.
also, i’m learning to meditate, which is funny because every time i’ve attempted to grasp the concept in the past, i’ve woken (<–weird word) an hour later, confused…and hungry…sometimes gassy too–but nevermind that–i can’t possibly be the only person that’s happened to…
my point: i’m trying…and hopefully, i’m back.

 

the past few months have been rich…and ripe…with experiences of all kinds…filled with lessons, travel & adventures…heartbreak. unexpectedly, the ‘cool & amazing’ has held its own against most of the ‘difficult & painful’…and all things considered, life is still as mellifluous and as appetizing as ever. ups & downs later, i still savor everything, and remain determined to live life to the fullest…in complete honesty, and in all fairness to myself and everyone i love.

 

another gorgeous, 60 degree winter day here in nc and of course i’m hemmed up in a barnes & noble at the mall…thinkin’ bout everything, writing bout nuffin. stiff & sore from a 6 mile run (crawl) yesterday, but happy to be here. waiting on 2 good friends to meet me for a drink, a lil shopping, and lotsa laughing like we do.
last time we got together here to do the same thing, i tripped & hit my head…like i do….yeah, at the freakin’ mall. but nobody saw it but them…and the knot on my forehead was barely visible under the hat i used to hide it…good times.
and this has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but i’ve already counted 3 different people of 2 different races/ethnicities walking around here barefoot…completely barefoot…no shoes nor a stitch of anything else on their feet. it’s freakin 60 degrees…but even if it were 85, what the crap?!

 

keeping warm

this is the coldest freakin’ winter i can remember. we’ve had more snow & just brutally cold days & nights in the past 8 weeks than i can remember in all my memory’s winters combined…i don’t know how you would combine all my memory’s winters, so that was silly to say…but i meant it.
anyway, it’s almost the end of january already…that means soon it’ll be february and, as far as i’m concerned, march is spring…so c’mon summer!
am already looking forward to the warm weather and the things that i’ve got coming up in my life between now & when it gets here…one thing is a move (within the same town) that i’m sorely looking forward to…not because there’s necessarily anything wrong with where i live now…dot, dot, dot.
but it’s a needed change. new space = new atmosphere = new opportunities & experiences…and i’m excited to see what all that will bring.
another thing is a cruise (my first) in fewer than 90 days from now. i can’t wait. the group of people i’m going with are over 85% of the reason for my excitement. you ever meet new people who feel like old friends to you almost immediately? i met that group of folks last year & along with a few very close older friends, have had more fun and laughed harder in the past year than i had in a long, long time. i would call them all my sisters at this point because they feel so much like my family. 2010 was amazing because of them and i am grateful…and excited for everything to come.
the biggest thing on my mind right now: a half marathon coming up in march that i’ve registered for. never having run before, i’m a little skeptical…not of my will to do all i can to complete the training program and finish the race…but my ability to keep my balance & finish the race without hurting myself or someone else. to put it gently, i think if those i’ve played sports with were given these choices: chunky old man, spastic chimp, runner, peg-legged pirate…and were told to choose the one i resemble most during any sport…well nevermind…(i’d choose spastic monkey too).
so, it’s cold, dark, and dismal outside my window right now…but i’m snuggle-toasty with possibilities, the warmth of great people, and wonderful memories from the past year keeping me cozy & propelling me back out the door each day, bundled in the love of my friends & family & their support in everything i do.

 

for colored girls…and everybody else

i see movies all the time. i’m that chick who pays for a blockbuster online membership, but still can’t stop myself from running to the store anytime of the week to rent something i wanna see that has taken too long to show up in my mailbox…mostly (ok, only) because i haven’t returned either of the movies that did show up, but i haven’t watched because i’ve been ‘too busy’…so there, they’ll stay ’til i either watch them or admit that they maybe shouldn’t have been as high in my movie queue as they were because i have no interest in watching them anytime soon anyway…in which case i throw them back into the mail, unwatched, to be picked up, and 2 more to be sent in their stead…sometimes that just happens…
when i’m not renting or buying movies to watch at home, i’m at the theater…i spend way too much on that too…ok, not the movie so much as the junk food & drink i buy to crunch/smack on during the movie. it all goes hand in hand. but i will say i’ve gotten better about eating better-priced junk food before going to the theater so i can save a few bucks…notsomuch the calories though…might work on that next.
…you didn’t really need to know all that.
i love tyler perry…i love his story, what he stands for, and how he represents…not necessarily me personally, but my appreciation for spiritualism in my life with a little humor added in to get the point across to those who otherwise, might be bored with the concept in any other form…including church on sundays.
i think i decided years ago, after first watching a recording of one of his plays on tv with a friend, that this was a man i wanted to support. this was before i even knew who he was, or where he’d come from/what he’d survived as a child. so, i’ve seen all of his movies, and appreciated his efforts, even if all i got out of the film was a chuckle or two, via madea or brown…or if all i left with was a gladness that i’d caught a glimpse of the treasure who is cicely tyson. some of his films, i’ve seen in the theater more out of a duty to see this man do well and grow as a film maker/storyteller, than out of the expectation of something great.
but, today i saw ‘For Colored Girls.’
i’ve never read ‘For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf’…a book of poems, adapted from a play by Ntozake Shange…but i will…and it’s because of this film. i’d seen a few trailers for this movie, and was immediately interested/curious…the cast alone was reason enough to give it a shot–i could never pass up a chance to see loretta devine, phylicia rashad, kimberly elise, thandie newton, kerri washington, and whoopi goldberg, all in the same film–and learning that it was based on a critically acclaimed play/book was icing. i felt like TP would have a blueprint to follow…a way to stick with the story being told without feeling compelled to deviate in order to add actual bible verses or a ‘coming to Jesus’ moment in order to please his ‘old-school religious’ fans. i guessed that when tackling an established story (or in this case, a group of poems) he’d have a better shot at the ‘closure’ or the ‘resolution’ i sometimes feel that his films leave me without. i’m no critic though…i could’ve totally missed his point a few times…i do that now & then.
i guessed correctly though. i felt like every actress in this film, and in effect, the director, truly put his or her heart into each line, and story, and emotion…and for that, i’m truly grateful…glad that i saw the film and witnessed this man do it right, from beginning to end, and put himself on another level completely. in my opinion, he attempted this with ‘the family that preys’…but missed the mark by a bit.
i mean it when i say that every single actress in this movie played the part/wore the color that was meant just for her…and it showed…not just onscreen, but in how much i felt myself investing in the sorrow and the hope, and the desperation and anger i felt along with each character i watched. and it showed in the tears and horror that echoed throughout the theater all around me…and in the applause at the end.
i was truly proud of this movie when the credits began to roll…and i’m extremely proud of tyler perry and saw today, for the first time, what he’s capable of getting out of actors he works with when there’s a solid story to tell…and i hope he continues to find stories that allow him and those he chooses to work with to flourish the way this movie did.
like i said before, i see lots of movies all the time, but this one actually won a spot in my heart. and i hope this film, its actors, and its director get every ounce of credit due. they will from me anyway.
for the record, kimberly elise made my heart break, phylicia rashad helped mend it. thandie newton cracked me up, but showed me her heart more than i’ve ever seen it before. loretta devine reminded me not to let people ‘take all my stuff’ from me, but showed me just how easy it is to allow it. janet jackson gave me strength and poise, and anika noni rose made me want to hold her & rock her like a baby forever.

bravo & thanks.

 

back

it’s been a minute since i stretched my mind, worked this keyboard, took the time to put thought to ‘paper’, aired my brain, my vibe, for folks to see…been awhile since i’ve shared the beats in my head that i skip to that you’ll never hear-but feel instead, as i light up your world and expand your head like the laughter from your childhood Christmases or your favorite toys and make you smile as you remember the joy of how it feels to be truly content for however short the moment…while forever, the memory holds that spot in that corner of your heart when your mind switches off long enough for the spark to catch fire that’ll warm you all over and last thru the cold that life sometimes throws your way.

 

silly little gardens here & there

 

it’s mine: THIS day, THIS time, that smile you just gave me.
it’s ours: this world-to travel & discover, to write about, to marvel at…if you haven’t marveled in awhile, you really should sometime…takes you back to youth, innocence…back to a time when you didn’t already know everything…when experiences could still be new to you and make you smile…or cry, because smiling wasn’t enough.
it’s theirs: the negativity, prejudice, the ignorance, judging, suspicion…don’t claim any of that–let THEM keep it all contained within the dark world they reside in, only casting shadows your way from time time…shadows that you’re too bright to let cover you.
it’s free: the kindness you feel towards others, the trust that they’re amazed to see you extend their way before they’ve even given you a reason to. the desire you see in them to keep that trust intact because it’s something they haven’t been granted too many times before…they marvel and remember THAT day, THAT time, your way…and they consider showing the same grace to someone else…that ounce of consideration adds a little light to their darkness…shortens the shadows a bit.
it’s just a naive, idealistic seed to start with…impractical in some situations…but sweetly appropriate in others. they don’t always take root…but i’m still blessed to see them planted from time to time.

 

like a cold shower

i break the surface to sunshine and a breeze, warming and cooling my ‘summer-skin’. i’ve called it that since a week ago when i noticed i’d reached my yearly goal: an even tone all over; and i smile because i know i’m getting darker by the second. i blink the water from my eyes and my lungs stretch and fill as i glide to the side of the pool, resting my chin on wet arms folded atop the warm cement. the previously-muffled music from the outdoor speaker nearby is clear to me again–another layer to the chillest vibe i can conjure at one of my favorite places in the world on a summery, saturday afternoon. i take in everything–the warmth, the absence of clouds and stress, the sounds, the wind that’s blown past me now, touching trees in the distance, the feeling of peace…”a moment of perfection” i almost say to myself…but before i know what’s happening, the dog i never heard coming  licks half my hyper-allergic face in one.big.drippy.lap.

 

help

prayer…heart’s wishes to the most high, whispered in a panic, sung in a song…or yelled from the gut with all the force of love, fear, desperation…hope.
rare, is the patience for results…
“i’ve prayed, now fix him…please,” is what my mind says as my ego denies that i’m bargaining. “…i’ll do better, be better, try harder, call more…”
promises are heavy and i tire easily. i constantly work to strengthen my body, but am shocked with how weak/meek my happy soul feels every time i flex it in prayer for those i love when they’re hurting.
my heart tells me my ‘everyday prayers’ just won’t do in these cases…”daddy deserves more than that,” i tell myself.  next thing, i feel like i’m screaming my words, willing them up as high as they’ll go, but all i hear is a hoarse whisper…unsure about whether any other being hears anything at all…because i haven’t been as good as i could’ve been.
then, he gets to go home…somebody else must’ve been praying too.

 

butt hurts…

it’s a beautiful day here in nc…temp’s close to 70 degrees…sunny–both the weather and my attitude, and i’m sitting (gingerly) here in a crazy-busy starbucks inside a barnes & noble bookstore. the ‘inside a barnes & noble’ part is very  important to add because just try & use a starbucks card here to pay for your starbucks coffee & listen to how many excuses the barista can come up with for why they can’t accept them here as payment. (ex. we are not starbucks–we are a barnes & noble store who happens to sell starbucks coffee…) i ask the same question every time: well, why the frack did you happen to sell  me the starbucks card only to tell me i can’t use it to pay when i come back here to buy a starbucks latte?! the answer i get is a different shade of the same confused look i got the last time.
there is hardly an empty seat in here, despite the lovely day outside. don’t know why i love coming here so much–there’s absolutely no social benefit that i can see at all. everyone’s in their own little world and i could be doing this exact same thing at home…only my music would be louder, my favorite candle burning, i’d be barefoot, and i wouldn’t be wearing these headphones. maybe i like the idea of being within a group of people without having to be social. maybe i appreciate that i’m probably more inclined to be productive here…where i’d most likely end up stretched out napping across my bed if i were home. and i do feel productive, even if i am only spitting out the words my brain stitches together to send to no one in particular. it’s a release–different than the one i get from running and playing. i guess productive is relative though…while part of me feels like i’m accomplishing a lot, another part feels like there’s something i could be doing outside, making use of this glorious day…
the 3rd part of me feels like i did that plenty yesterday when i took horseback riding lessons (!!) for the first time ever…and no, i’m not counting the horrifically embarrassing experience i had with a pony when i was 11…although, my family who witnessed it would say it would have  to count because they haven’t laughed so hard since. i was gangly, the pony was short…and that’s all i’ll say about that.
anyway, as much as i loved riding yesterday, my hind-parts are cursing me out as we speak…evident each time i switch positions in this awful seat. and i don’t care what the starbucks barnes & noble employee keeps telling me–i KNOW there are needles in this cushion.

 

could i be irish?

i got to sit in with a couple of new friends who play guitar on friday & abuse my poor (still-new) bass guitar and their neighbors’ ears while they pretended not to hear that a couple of times, it didn’t even sound as if i was trying to play the same song they were. it was a blast, the wine was awesome & the people were some of the warmest i get to hang out with. after playing & eating, a few of us packed up our things to head to another spot together, stopping to cheer for a friend playing softball along the way, (it was such a warm & spring-y night!) and once we got to more friends’ house, we proceeded to laugh harder & longer than any of us had in the longest time. seems like it was after 2 a.m. when we all finally decided to end our night together. i got home & as i unpacked my car, realized i’d left my still-new amp outside in front of the house i’d played at, hours & hours before. i panicked and sent a crazed msg to one of the guitar-playing friends i’d just left, asking if she could please call her bandmate to have him check outside first thing in the morning, but really i was hoping maybe he’d noticed it sitting outside on the street where i’d left it when i was packing my car to leave his house, and already taken it inside to keep for me. all the joy & fun i’d just filled up on drained out of me so quickly, that i wasn’t sure what to do with myself. i got inside the house, paced a little, said a couple of prayers, showered & then collapsed into bed prepared to cry myself to sleep, wondering how i was gonna tell the one who’d purchased the guitar & amp for me how irresponsible i’d been and that now it was gone…i wasn’t upset about the amp itself…but the gift of opportunity, newness, and love that it had represented when i’d received it for my birthday a few months ago. i lay there for about 3 minutes before (without even thinking about it) i jumped back outta bed, and downstairs into my car barefoot & in my pj’s at about 4 a.m., and drove back to the house i’d played at. of course, the amp wasn’t there when i drove past and i sunk even lower. i made a u-turn, and as i passed the house again, i saw my tiny amp sitting in the grass by the curb exactly where i’d left it almost 7hrs (!) before.
i can’t describe the dance i did after swerving to the opposite side of the street, falling out of my car & limping it back to the front seat…but i’m sure it was a good one. yeah, leaving the amp where i did was still irresponsible, (and i’ll probably get a scolding for it, which is fair) but having the faith to drive back & pick it up despite the hour & my chances says a lot too, so somebody might actually be proud…=))  i can’t help but believe if i’d waited to go back after daylight, it would’ve been gone for sure.  some call me lucky…but for years, i’ve called it highly-favored.

**update:  i wasn’t scolded at all for leaving my amp outside on the street. (yayy)  instead, i was scolded for running out of the house in pj’s & no shoes at 4 a.m. because (in my best whiney voice) the amp is replaceable, but i’m not. (booo)

=))

 

‘esthergen’

today, i recover…not from any sickness or bleak life moment (that was a couple of weeks ago)…but from a great night with a group of (mostly new) friends who made me feel…good. it was my first ever EstherDay celebration. we laughed, danced (ok, that was just me), and sang.  we killed ‘rock band’ and i got my first taste of ‘dj hero’.  and we played shuffleboard (with an added curling twist of my own), which also provided me the opportunity to watch 2 ladies gamble their ‘girlie’ status for the cut-throat ways of die-hard winners-at-any-cost…very funny to watch.
there was awesomely, sneakily unassuming punch served from a blue cooler with a warning attached…nobody read it…ok, i didn’t…but probably should’ve because before the night was over, i had managed to insert myself into almost every picture that was taken while i was there (when i’m normally content behind the camera), contemplated giving up my 18-yr-long vegetarianism to taste the barbecue that smelled so great…AND i played my still-new bass guitar along with a group of musicians (for the first time ever) who actually knew what they were doing, as they played music i’d never heard before.  i actually hit the correct notes on occasion…without my nerves getting the best of me…that punch was magic. i was even invited back to play with them again…(yes, the musicians had punch too). 
i also survived a minor altercation with a mailbox at the end of the night…but we won’t get into that–i was minding my own business when it attacked.  it was awesome…and i am grateful.  i’ve learned that i can balance missing the old while enjoying the new without guilt or regret ruining it all.  days like this are good.

 

learning…

if i could, what would i teach?  i could talk about friendships, and tell you that 9 times outta 10, they’re worth every bit of hard work and effort that they cost you…and that even during the times when you question whether or not this is true, there’s somebody in your life who doesn’t know what they’d have done if you hadn’t been there that one time that you were irked by the fact that they called you for help and not someone else. not to mention all the favors friends have done for you that you don’t even know about…because they did them out of love for you, and not for the kudos.
i could mention the importance of family, and how dear they are, whether you’re as close with them as you’d like to be or not. i would stress that in my heart, i know–without a doubt–that i don’t speak with all of my own nearly enough…but that i also love each of them so much that they’d probably all be surprised if there were a way i could bottle it all up and show them. i pray for them every day and tell them how i feel each time i speak with them, which makes me feel amazing each and every time. i know that not everyone can share their feelings that way—no matter how much love they feel…and i certainly can’t teach how it’s done…but maybe, i could be some type of proof that you wouldn’t die if you tried it.
i could talk about laughter—about which i’ve always felt i was an expert. my philosophy is simple: laugh as often as you can, and surround yourself with people who do as well. not that there’s anything wrong with being serious…you truly have to be sometimes. but i feel like the average person can probably find 20 things to worry, frown, or complain about before leaving bed on any given morning…so to me, that makes smiling and laughter all the more precious…because there are days when you might have to really work to find a reason to do either. relish it when you succeed…because there are folks in the world who literally can’t find a single reason in their lives to bother with silly, unimportant things like enjoyment…or hope. take advantage of the fact that that’s not you. crap gets thrown at me all the time…i just happen to be one of those people who choose not to focus on that particular fact…choosing instead, to laugh at the spider-man-ninja poses i may employ to duck it all and get past it.
i could maybe talk about life…and how to better pay attention. i’d say not to miss (dismiss) so many of the ‘little things’ you’ve heard so much about, but not bothered with. i’d tell you that learning to notice those tiny, ‘insignificant’ things could be the biggest factors in who you turn out to be…and that you’re always growing into who you’ll turn out to be. you’re never stuck with who you are.
i don’t know a lot about a lot, but i know how to enjoy a rainy day at home by myself…i know babies like me…i know that all that crap about ‘it’s more fun to shop for others than it is to shop for yourself’ is a fib that folks should stop spreading—and it’s ok that i feel that way because i’m spoiled and that’s not my fault…i know it’s ok that my voice is way too small for someone my size…i know it’s much more fun to learn about others than it is to go on and on about myself… i know it’s ok that i laugh loudly…as long as i’m helping the friend who just fell up off the ground while i do it…i know that there are spectacularly loving moments between people that i seem to notice when most others don’t–probably because all loving moments are spectacular to me–and these moments melt into my soul and will stay with me forever…and that’s cool. call me a professor if you will…but i think i’ll forever be the life-long student who pays more attention to the feelings that dictate the ways people move about each other than anything else…wishing for the words necessary to express why i’m so compelled and happy to be that way…i don’t know why.

 

what not to do

don’t look at me with those eyes…or flash that devilish grin. you know, the one that declares you the victor…the one that tells me i’m done…fighting, fussing, laughing…whatever–i’m done…and i’m yours, more so in that instant than i was just minutes before.
don’t approach me from behind and wrap me in your arms…don’t nuzzle my neck nor allow me lean into you, blurring my sense of anything that was happening just before.
don’t reach for my hand under the table during dinner in a crowded restaurant…you shouldn’t place it on your leg, tracing my fingers with yours while we continue conversations with our friends.
don’t tell me how attractive i am to you. don’t open doors for me, ask me how my day was, or tell me how much you miss me when we’re apart…don’t send me messages throughout the day, letting me know you’re thinking about me…saying you love me at the end of every one.
and don’t continue to pray for me every single night…don’t do any of that anymore…just stop it all…unless you won’t mind dealing with me forever-like…because you got me…for good…but for bad (crazy, whiney, moody) too.

 

?

i could write about it and let you read…or tell you, and have you listen…but how could i make you feel what i do…and understand what i want using the same means that any stranger on a plane could use to tell you about his job. i wish for more. i can’t be satisfied with just the words i’ve learned from dictionaries over the years, or the colors provided in the box of crayons in a store to draw you a picture that’ll encompass everything from the microfibers of all my fibers to show you beyond any reason to wonder…what i feel i’m meant for….everything i’m supposed to do. i’m so full sometimes with desire for change…or freedom…or travel that i feel i could explode…if only i could find a sufficient way to express…i’m good with words, i’m told…but don’t feel they’re enough. is there not something i’m much better at, that could reach deeper than i ever have and open some door or window for you to peek through?
honestly, i know i’ve got absolutely no reason to complain…there are open arms all around me…the best of every type of relationship possible, with the most amazing of people, right in front of me…all is well. sometimes i just wonder…

 

i can…so i will.

there’s something to be said for willingness. for some people, willingness to do anything at all is a chore–whether it be helping others in need, telling the truth, or the mundane things, like brushing their teeth and showering on a daily basis.
i think there are also folks who are so overflowing with willingness, (good will) that you see it, but maybe dismiss it as the ‘pretty’ in a person’s smile…or the foolishness of a goofy person’s ways…rather than seeing what’s truly there…which might be someone’s readiness to brighten your mood, or their audacity to attempt to make you smile–even at the expense of their own ‘cool’.
willingness is a word i never really gave much thought to before, but after a lesson in church tonight, i can’t help but realize the importance of it. to me now, willingness is the kick-start of every single act we choose to perform. our will is what gets us outta bed every morning, what pushes us through stressful days, or the foundation of the strength we have to help someone else through one of their own…but on the other side of that, i’ve come across a few people over the years who’ve been (willful) unwilling to change for the better, or unwilling see positives in some situations because focusing on the negative was so much easier and self-preserving. after all, we also have to be ‘willing’ to chance hurting others…or to continue ignoring things about ourselves that we know should be addressed and corrected.
willingness reflects attitude to me now, more clearly than ever. i personally need to be willing to do more…and better.
and once i conquer the concept of what i’m willing to do, maybe i’ll gain confidence in all the areas in which i’ve never believed i was able.

 

2010, lesson #2

so, i began packing my things to leave the dunkin donuts i’ve been sitting in for the last hour-and-a-half.  i’ve been up to the counter, speaking with a some of the really nice and engaging employees more than once during my time here.  i stood just a couple of minutes ago & quickly (and clumsily) fell back down into my seat as i realized for the first time today that i’m not wearing a bra. i’ve flitted to & fro in this place without the slightest idea…until now.

it’s 30 degrees today where i live.  i am wearing what i’ve become known for lately: heavy sweat pants, 2 long-sleeved shirts underneath a sweatshirt, with a puffy vest that i shed once i came in and got comfy…well apparently, i was comfy before i shed the vest.

not sure why i flopped back down into this seat once i realized i’ve been slinging boob the whole time i’ve been here…no point in being embarrassed now, i suppose.   oh well…back to my point…the lesson:

ladies:  some of you never have to worry about this type of thing due to your…ahem…’uncomplicated’ body structure, but as i’m someone who’s ALWAYS been aware of the attention i’ve gotten when i’ve not been…properly supported, i’d like to just remind others like me to be mindful during the winter months when flying out the door of your house…is everything secured, in it’s proper place?  or are things slapping about and/or poking holes in your shirt as you’re making your way to your car…?  just something to think about.

 

sharing a wonderful post

the following is a link from a blog to which i’ve been a subscriber for awhile now…and while i’ve always found the pages informative and interesting, this post in particular was…much more.  please take a look as i found the words and pictures enlightening and beautiful beyond any words i could find to describe them.

http://shapeandcolour.wordpress.com/2009/12/31/shapecolour-2009-i-have-left-but-i-have-not-gone/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+shapeandcolour+%28shape+%2B+colour%29

 

lessons

i’m a person who’s always looking to learn from any particular situation, good or bad. i’m pretty sure i’ll continue this in 2010, but maybe (i say ‘maybe’ so this won’t be mistaken for any ‘new year’s resolution’ crap that folks normally get sucked into) start documenting a few of the ones i experience throughout this year in the off-chance that someone else can learn from the missteps i make–and i make many…figuratively, as well as literally…which might be why my ankle is inexplicably sore & swollen today…i vaguely remember tripping over that fraggle on the way to the restroom before daylight this a.m…
but anyway…couldn’t hurt to share when i mess up–if not for someone else, then definitely as documentation for myself as i can’t remember most things from one day to the next anymore.

the first lesson i learned in 2010 is simple:
do not make fun of what other people put in their mouths. more specifically (because a lotta y’all have dirty minds): LOTS of folks like chit’lins & i shouldn’t say a word about it…not about the smell or anything else. if you don’t know what chit’lins are…GOOD. but, people have traditions & such with their families–who am i to knock ‘em just because they are nauseating to me…a few friendly jokes can turn hurtful & disrespectful in the blink of an eye & come back to bite me in the ass faster than i can apologize and who needs that at 3 in the morning??
so to everyone i’ve ever offended (except my uncle tony because he offends me whenever he feels like it. =)) love you uncle tony!) i apologize for making faces/comments at/about your chit’lins. i didn’t mean any disrespect…i promise i don’t care what you eat as long as it doesn’t make you sick. i love fake sausage and veggie bacon, reese’s cups with my popcorn, & fried peanut butter & jelly sammidges. who am i to talk? eat what you want. i don’t give a ‘chit’.

 

2009

wow, this year was a blurrrrr….but i remember a few things (in an order that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever):

+ received my first bass guitar and amp.

- haven’t had any feeling in the fingertips of my left hand for days from learning to play…and now also have a ‘crick’ in my neck from staring at the hand that i no longer feel while playing.

+ received my very first sleeping bag.

+ saw/met aisha tyler again & (almost) enjoyed it as much as the first time…almost.

+ (thanks to great & generous friends) read more books this year than i had in a long, long time.

+ had my birthday party outside in the snow with a bonfire, my music blasting, & my girls.

+ wrote more.

+ spent the best summer of my life lounging by a pool with 2 great gals and all the space & quiet i needed in the world.

- fell off a grocery cart while attempting to take a pic of myself riding said grocery cart.

+ saw ‘avatar’ in 3-D & freakin’ loved it.

+ fell in love with ‘glee’ and ‘modern family.’

- saw my granddad’s behind as he sashayed around his hospital rooms.

+ started boxing.

- while doing push-ups, got pooted on by my trainer, whom i fear is entirely too comfortable with me.

- danced less.

+ laughed more, if that’s even possible.

+- cried more than ever from pain i felt for people i care about who were hurting.

+ practiced bowling more.

- bowled the same, or worse.

+ re-fell in love with ‘family guy’ and ‘so you think you can dance.’

+ learned that while i love my friends with everything in me, i do have a choice in whether or not i associate with them while they’re behaving in a way that hurts others needlessly. this was extremely hard for me…but in my heart and mind, it was the right thing to do & i’ve never doubted that one day, everything would be ok again.

+ won a fraggle at the state fair. =))

+ convinced 2 great writers i know to start their own blogs…yay!!

+ played more tennis.

+ watched amazing people in my life stand up again after being ambushed with heartbreak that they didn’t deserve in any way, shape, or form.

+ finally introduced my mom to facebook…she’s now the reigning ‘farmville’ queen.

- spent entirely too much of my own time on facebook.

+ connected to LOTS of old friends and distant relatives now because of all that time on facebook.

- realized (the hard way) that my new office neighbor is a pooter.

+ made new friends…the kind who began to feel like old friends almost immediately.

++++ i survived everything that was thrown at me, my family, and my friends this year. i’m ok. i’m stronger in some ways, smarter in others…better than ever…as is my life in general…and as usual, i’m grateful for it all.

 

‘chucky cheese!! chucky cheese!!’

thanksgiving with my family was awesome. it always is. here’s just a quick glimpse of some of the things i got to see while i was there:

a crooked wig on one family member who didn’t seem to care.

2 rollers in 1 grandmother’s hair…only 2…strategically placed rollers.

a 3 year-old stranger-child who yelled ‘chucky cheese!!’ every time my brother entered the room.

a grown woman, blaming the spilling of punch down my leg on a 1 yr old baby…for SHAME!!!

a ridiculous scene made by my brother and i while my granddad ate ‘chitlins’ in front of us…because we were both grossed out, we acted as if we were throwing up and choking to death…and in effect, almost choked him to death as he laughed at us.

someone (i shall not name names) who was ‘lady’ enough to wait until she was just outside the door of someone’s home before ripping the biggest poot i’ve ever heard by a human lady who clearly had no regard for my life or nasal passages during the act.

a really good high school football game…at least i think it was really good…as it was 37 degrees and windy, i cannot be sure about WHAT my eyes actually saw, because they were frozen & immobile by the end of the game.

…now, it’s almost Christmas…and i can’t wait to see what they show me next.

 

freakin’ cold.

sometimes, when the heat comes on, i feel myself sigh. sure–the warm air feels nice, because the house is chilly…but my summer’s over. it’s so cold outside at night lately, that i can already smell Christmas-time in the air. every time i’ve felt the cold wind cut through the light jacket i’m stubborn enough to keep wearing, i miss my weekends relaxing in the sun with a book.even.more. but alas, it’s just how it is.
halloween just passed and i officially participated for the first time in years…sure, i dressed as a drunk priest and my mom told me i’m going to hell on scholarship…but dressing up was pretty good fun. besides that, a good friend dressed as a nun and went with me–her reason: she couldn’t let me go to hell alone…you just don’t get any better than that.
fall time, then winter…aaack.  but it’s all okay…i get to wear layers, (which makes working out feel a little less like an emergency) i love wearing scarves, i don’t feel so ridiculous buying uncool non-iced coffee this time of year, and i got new boots…may not be too bad after all, this effin cold weather.

 

spoken

some may have an urge to do something; and there are those who possess a talent for doing it well…then, there are the people walking among us who are able to grab a mic and channel ‘amazing’, using the loudest of subtleties of words & play, putting their very essence out there so tangibly and so clearly that everyone within earshot of their work truly feels every word they’ve chosen to stoke us with…and the imprint they leave shows in the goose bumps we’re all covered in when they’re done.
they make you feel like you’re privy to something that only you and the select few present are trusted with and frankly, it’s one that you couldn’t find the words to justly convey anyway…so i’ll stop trying now…but at the very least, i owe them this attempt.

 

to my self doubt

to the shadow behind my half-smiles…the focus of my every sideways glance, you are my reason for second-guessing any answer or feeling before sharing, and why my goals and aspirations are whispers and not proclamations…
i sleep thoroughly most nights, wrapped in your arms–my excuses & complacency–reinforced by the uselessness of my unfounded concerns, my half-written books, my unbalance.  i’m comfortable there, and you graciously take the blame for that.
in as much as i hate your existence though, i do so enjoy every time i get the best of you…with every line i write, every genuine smile sent my way, and through every word of encouragement i earn…my confidence grows.

everybody’s got their vices, their flaws…i’m certainly not without mine: my dedication to you…

 

sometimes i make sense, sometimes i just…

…stream-of-consciousness: writing style, psychology term…the cloak i wear.
although i’d heard the phrase before, i’d never paid any special attention to it until a friend mentioned it to me awhile back as i described my blog to her. i’ve looked it up since then and i think she’s right…

 according to an article written by John Mepham, Kingston University:

The term “stream of consciousness” was… introduced in William James’s The Principles of Psychology (1890) to denote the continuous flow of thoughts, feelings and impressions which, he believed, is what makes up our inner lives. James was aware of the complexity of this “stream”. It does not consist of a single stream of consecutive items; many items may coexist.

i think this is definitely me…not just how i write, but how i think, how i live–spontaneously unedited.  my mind, always moving…forward or backward at any given time.  i remember things i’m supposed to let go of forever and forget things i once thought meant the most.  anything can remind me of someone; any one person can make me want to forget a particular thing.  i’m assuming most of the world is the same.

some might call it ‘unfocused’, but um…i don’t care.  i just try to move fairly smoothly from one experience to the next as if it’s a mission–but i don’t accept it begrudgingly, because i’m happy to grab any lesson i can from each sweet, salty, luscious moment…then loaf about, leaving behind pictures of all the moments i remember…or want to forget, using words of my heart’s choosing.

stream of consciousness…conscious of it all.

 

life is a given, living is not

when someone you know loses their life unexpectedly, it rattles you.  and it only makes the situation harder when they’re young, and all you’ve ever seen or heard about this person was good…when you can see how deeply their death affects others in your life…when every memory you have of this person involves genuine smiles between the two of you.

death is a horrible thing…but it’s inevitable. living (not to be confused with life), is not, no matter how much time we’re each allotted here in this world. being conscious…being present is taken for granted by many of us, everyday. i pride myself on the fact that i hold on with both hands, no matter how hard it is sometimes…to the lessons i learn, to the people who care to teach me, to my truths. i’ve done that for most of my life, but sometimes it takes an unexpected loss that hits close to home, to remind me to be truly grateful for the responsibility…because there’s no way to know how long i’ll be blessed with it. for me personally, loving is living…so i take comfort in knowing that so far, i’ve lived a pretty full life…and each friend and family member i have can attest to that.

 

mommy

 eyes closed, mouth open, she rests…finally.  still holding on to the railing of her bed, as if her world is continuing to spin a little faster than normal.  she’s just had a shot of morphine for the pain, so everything’s dull and quiet for now.  her mind and body are rebooting to the rhythm of all the beeping and pumping machinery all around her.  she’s had lots to think about for the past few weeks…both parents diagnosed with cancer, her own lack of mobility, and worries about today’s pretty heavy surgery to correct that…blindsided in a sense.  she deserves this quiet and pampering, and all the forthcoming encouragement and attention in return for all the strength she’s shown…and lent, while putting concerns about herself on the back burner for a minute.  now, she gets to focus on herself…getting better, stronger, getting back, with her bounce…our walk.  she’s feeling good right now…but she’ll feel better once all the therapy’s done and she’s free again.  they say she’ll be in this hospital room for at least 3 or 4 days…plenty of  time for her to get her head together…and apparently, she’ll need it.  she just woke up with a look of shock on her face, asking me, “Did you say they catheterized me?!”  i laughed & told her, ‘No, I didn’t say anything…but yes, you do have a catheter.”  she then asked me, ”Where?” as i laughed…and she passed out again.  classic.  cute.  mommy.

 

i get

angry sometimes

frustrated

heavy with grief over what could be

sad about things i can’t help

upset with the skeptics who refuse to except the good or pure, even when there’s no doubt that it’s all they should be interested in, during a particular situation

that even after all the rest in the world, because of how much i feel, all the time, i’m still gonna be tired…worn, but

that the end of every day starts the beginning of the next

that my goal isn’t to focus so much on making it to the end of each day, but upon getting thru it, continue looking forward to the opportunity  to begin the next.

i’m getting it.

 

wasting time.

yesterday, i (yes EYE) went fishing.  i never really did anything like that when i was younger…i don’t think anybody in my family thought i’d be interested…worms and all i guess…yeah, they were right.  besides that, who’s got room in a small boat for a gangly, amazingly allergic kid and all the stuff she ‘needed’ to have with her at all times (i.e. inhalers, 4 books, lotion, 2 skin creams, an electronic game with plenty of batteries, a Rubik’s cube, and an etch-a-sketch)…WHO?  …nobody i knew. 

i actually did  hope to catch something yesterday, but i’m wondering what i would’ve done if i had…hmm…picture a quickly-rigged contraption where the fishing pole was tied to a chair/tree/small child, keeping my catch just far enough inside the edge of the water to stay alive while i run away screaming for help…and accolades.  i hope the folks that i was with didn’t actually expect me to touch anything i caught.  the bait was artificial, and i was careful not to let even a drop of water from the pond touch me…last thing i need is some gross infection…or fish bite…yet, somehow i still found the whole experience to be…relaxing.

the michael jackson cd someone had blasting from the house closest to the pond was pretty sweet too. 

yep…nothing like some good ol’ outdoorsey, all-natural fishin’ for this country girl.

lol

 

shut up & listen

…there’s somethin’ to be said ’bout the calming sound of a summer rain drifting thru your bedroom window at night…but i’ll figure out the best way to describe it another time…right now, i’m appreciating…and breathing…and…

 

hmm…

ever wonder what people think of you, just based on your appearance?  i do.  ever wonder if it’s positive, or weird…or if there’s something comical that they see that you didn’t…like YOU think you look great, but they see what your hair is really talkin’ bout.

i wonder what goes thru their minds when this 5’10″ reddish-brown ‘being’ saunters their way, bandana framing a wild mop of silver-streaked black curls, hovering over curious eyes with an ever-ready goofy grin.  i get lotsa smiles, some come naturally…others, i coax forward with a ‘hey there’ or  a wave.  it almost always works…but after that moment, i wonder if folks walk away shaking their heads.

the reason this is on my mind at all is because some friends and i were in a crowd of hundreds during a music festival over the weekend.  there were so many different types of people…families were there together, friends…lovers.  it’s always so interesting–the dynamics of a person who’s out to have a good time…did they plan to be there, or just happen upon the location and stop by…or were they dragged out unwillingly…would that explain their manner of dress, or their jubilance when they run into somebody they know?   my imagination goes wild in those crowds as i ponder where these folks may know each other from, or what their homes must be like…or why some don’t know how to say ‘excuse me’ as they practically knock you over when making their way past you…or why one thinks he can take your chair to where his friends are and sit in it while you’re in the restroom, spilling the blueberry beer that you left in the cupholder…never apologizing once for ruining your chair as he continues talking to his friends…that prick.

so then, after THAT, everyone’s suspect.  along with wonderings and musings about the relationships i see and what these individuals were doing before this festival…what they’ll do after…i’m wondering, ‘does THIS dude think he can violate my space and belongings while i’m not looking like that other jerk?’  …you know, that sort of thing.

SO…i wonder sometimes if those people that i pass in hallways or on streets or in stores…that look away quickly, are SO slow to smile, or stare right past my head has had some type of  encounter, or heard a story about someone with features or an appearance matching mine.

…and to my defense, a girl gets into ONE lousy barfight and–i’ll just stop there.

 

random…

things i know for sure today…

…nba basketball is not all bad.
…my mom is more brave than she realizes.
…even though i FEEL like serena williams when i’m on the tennis court, i’m almost positive that i LOOK more like…i dunno, hank williams jr.
…sometimes family brings out the worst in you…in which case, i feel you have every right to distance yourself from them…and not feel bad about it.
…i should probably bowl more.
…i just can’t figure out why i lost all interest in ‘smallville.’  and i really have given this a lot of thought.
…the next time i see that one man begging at that one intersection, i will give him all the cash that i keep in that one particular place in my car.
…some people have more pet drama than people drama.
…dimples are sexy.
…i wish i had the means to travel the world on a whim…but i know that more than likely, i’d stumble upon the perfect spot immediately…and never leave it.
…i may look like the average chick…but this blog means i’m…not.
…even without speaking a single word with them, chances are that any adult that you see taking a swimming class is pretty awesome…and adorable.

…i am so blessed.

 

sure, there’s a point…i promise.

one amazing feeling, as captured by a few wandering thoughts.

you can listen to this while you read…if you like:   the point of it all– anthony hamilton
…it fits my groove/mood/thoughts/cravings/o.c.d. today better than other songs i’ve heard recently.

…it’s rainy outside, yet warm…i’m here alone, but not lonely…longing, though not sad…totally humbled, yet full of love–to the point of almost bursting–so full that i’m not quite sure what i’m supposed to do when i find myself so…aware…of it all…screaming, jumping up and down, tears, or hysterical laughter would all be reasonable reactions, even to the most conservative of people…if they could feel it for even a second.
i’m trying to communicate something, without rambling on forever–because i could, you understand, NEVER run out of words to describe this high…even on low days. it’s just that i’m more sure than i’ve ever been in my life that it’s mutual and right..despite any opposition we may ever come to know of, which we’ll always ignore…focusing instead, on what’s been true from the start.
…i’m saying all this (rambling, despite myself) to get to my point…EYE LOVE EWE…so deeply that i hear you when you’re not speaking, feel you when you’re beyond my reach, and see you in every experience i have.
as far apart as we are…as rarely as we get to physically be together, i’m so grateful…for the opportunity to see the progress of what we’re building up from the foundation of love, respect, and honesty that we agreed upon not so long ago…for the understanding of how we had to live through our experiences from ‘before us’ so we can better appreciate our ‘after’…and how we’re equipped with the presence of mind to notice and give thanks for the differences…and the tools to express them all…and the passion between us for paying attention to every.little.thing…and the bravery to acknowledge who we are to each other……amazing when i think about it. (catching my breath now) that’s it…for now.
thanks again for being here…choosing me…loving me…affording me the motivation to expand/better who i am, how i see…my world in general…ok, i’m stopping now…again…i really could go on…because there’s always something good to say, even when things are hard…always a happy thought to share about–nevermind. enough…the point…you…i love…and i want to make you understand th–. (running away from my computer as fast as i can now, as it’s the only way i’ll stop)

 

my space

there are quiet times…

when i’m thankful for the opportunity to hear and think what i will with no more influence over those thoughts than the birds chirping, or the rain falling, or the sun peeking.  no sounds of other thinkers interrupting the melodies of my choosing.  no sights to yank me clear of the fog of my creation where dreams and wishes are spread before me…all within reach…all inside my calm, where i do or say nothing to disturb anyone else.  today, there’s a hint of anticipation crackling within this bubble of mine, alongside the relishing of doing nothing…but this.  it comes from knowing this time is limited–because of my own doing.  i’ve made plans for a little while from now so…soon, i’ll run back out to join the ranks of those carrying on life within sight and sound of each other…noticing and being noticed…maybe.  my sounds or the scenes i create while making my own way will meld into others’ to be acknowledged or dismissed as deemed fit…or not.  and i’ll be ok…knowing i always have my quiet…my calm.

 

jus_nic

ok, sure, it’s definitely been a good, long minute since i put a complete thought out into the world, outside of  freakin’ twitter. i won’t get into how i gave in & addictified myself to yet another silly fad, just because it affords me a quick & creative way to purge the silly/dark/empty thoughts i’m known for conjuring when i’m left to my own devices–as opposed to collapsing into the naps i’m so fond of..not that i’ve given up napping…but now, i dream in tweets & chirps with celebs who take small breaks from their fabulosity for short meaningless conversations with the likes of me.
in my mind, i’ve miraculously awakened a latent humor or originality in every other thought i’ve had since creating that stupid account…and i continuously find justification in sharing said sparks of genius with millions of twits just like me, even as i read more & more that i’m eating away the last chunk of internet available to the free world with my open texts to the universe-at-large…but enough about that & back to the fact that it’s been so long since i’ve blogged that i actually forgot my username and password & was unable to log in tonight…it was pitiful.
i’m gonna get back on it though…soon. and it’s not even that i haven’t done anything worth capturing here–since my last post, i’ve returned safely (yet, sadly) from ohio, celebrated mother’s day with my very own, and traveled to atlanta to spend time with grands, complete with a trip to the one of the best aquariums i’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting.
for those of you who know i’ve begun writing a book, i haven’t stepped anywhere near that for quite awhile either…but again, i will. i hope to lay off the travelling for a minute & find my groove here at home again…so…tweet me luck!  =))

 

well…i know my strengths…and limitations.

…i’ve always suspected that i might be an impatient person…

the stanford marshmallow study: began in 1960—hungry 4-year-olds were offered a marshmallow, but were told that if they could wait for the experimenter to leave the room & then return, they would get 2 marshmallows instead of 1.  1/3 of the kids grabbed one immediately, a few more waited for awhile, and another 1/3 waited the entire 15-20 mins for the experimenter to get back.  this was a study about self discipline and said a lot about these children and the types of adults they would grow up to be. turns out that when checking on these kids years later, the ones who grabbed the 1 marshmallow quickly turned out to be impulsive, drug-addicted saps who were involved in unhappy relationships & were just all-around unhealthy people altogether. the ones who waited for 2 grew up to be successful, well-adjusted adults with happy, perfect kids & lives, and yachts & stuff…yeah right.
ok, first of all, who would be cruel enough to starve 4 year olds anyway?? and then only offer 1 OR 2 marshmallows??? and they could only get 2 if they voluntarily suffered longer than the others? can’t you just picture starved 4-year-old kids, crawling across the floor to a table with a single marshmallow for each of them? …no milk or anything…those poor dears. why weren’t these evil “interviewers” prosecuted? and why were the results so extreme? couldn’t there have been a happy medium…like, if you waited long enough to get 2, but rebelled and asked to be rewarded with a slice of cake…or $13 instead, couldn’t you have been viewed as..industrious…??  or if you only wanted 1 marshmallow in the first place, couldn’t you have been seen as mature or something?  …i dunno…i don’t have all the details of the study…i’m just saying.

the 2 people that i’m closest to are 2-marshmallow people…they are very patient folks who are able to pace themselves and they practice self control regularly…according to one of them, if i had participated in this study, i would’ve gobbled my 1 marshmallow immediately & then talked a couple of the patient kids into happily offering me the 2 marshmallows that they waited on so patiently…and i would’ve saved those for later. i don’t know what the study would say about that, but i’m thinking it would be something along the lines of ‘future millionaire’.

 

today’s pms mantra (every woman should have one)

i’m just thinkin’ bout life…and how good it is. am thinkin’ bout how on any given day, so many things could go wrong…but they don’t…and somehow, i’m equipped with the knowledge that if they do, i’ll get thru it. i always do.
my family is always within reach. my friends are some of the best any one person could ask for.
the car i’ve been driving for 12 years continues to crank everytime i try it (for now).
work can be overwhelming some days…but i am working and therefore thankful.
the weather’s warm.
i have my aches, pains, and aggravations, but they usually pass after a bit.

i care what happens to everybody i know. i’m SO loved. i feel good right now…life is good…and i’m ok.

 

time with my family

**originally written after returning from Christmas break with my family, last year**

 hearing your grandmother laugh ’til she squeaks is sort of like when a baby gets tickled and laughs out loud for the first time…you just get all warm and it’s the sweetest, cutest, most delightful sound you’ve ever heard…and it makes you laugh…and love even more.

it’s like there’s a gas leak.  that’s what i say to myself when i feel it starting…the giggles.  that’s the only logical explanation when we begin…and can’t stop sometimes when we all get together.

it starts with just a few small chuckles at the silliest thing…then grows as we look around at each other with big goofy grins while we shake our heads.  i think at some point, it morphs…from a few of us laughing at something ridiculous…to a family reveling in the fact that we’re all content to sit with each other and tell stories of no importance and lean on the person who’s next to us…for support…and laugh ’til we’re tired & the tears come.  we save up for these conversations; it can be 3 of us or 9; and we can be in the house, car, or at the mall in a crowd that disappears completely when we start up for whatever reason…and it’s always appropriate…to us…

everybody who’s experienced some type of joyous…thing–large or small, would probably like to capture the feeling, or the smell, or the sound of that experience…to keep for themselves, or share with others, whatever the case may be…i would too.  i wouldn’t want to keep it though–i’d give a little to everybody if they asked…and i’d want to watch them hear…see their reaction to the cackles, chortles, chuckles, wheezes and such, following any silly thing we hear, say, and then rehash.

it really is just laughter…merriment…mirth…glee…a simple thing, not a requirement to the livelihood of some…but effortless and true…without malice or judgment…it’s a necessity for me.

the fact that the grands laugh just as hard the rest of us makes it sweeter…they’ve probably experienced things throughout their lifetimes that nobody should have, but they made us anyway & protected us for just these moments…

 i recharge my battery when i’m home with them & bring it all back to my life away from them…bottled up…sharing it all with everyone who amuses me…or needs amusing…and at some point, my mouth opens and they hear my family without knowing…and they laugh like us too.

 

all because…

**originally posted 1/07**

…eyes are as open as my heart is now…vision is clear & all I see is good…sight is now focused as it has never been before…strength-returning…the future, within reach again.

…soul is singing to music from the sun & the stars…the pitch of our melody-perfect, as it’s carried on the wind for miles…those like us hear it, recognize, & hum along with a smile as they make their way back home to what they have.

…spirit is lifted, shining, warming everyone around me. the truth of what I feel, evident as it resonates from inside, louder & brighter all the time. I grow more everyday, as does what’s swirling within me.

…thirst for life is heightening, beyond the bounds of loneliness & doubt…desire for everything, now multiplied by two! …feelings-mutual…source of untouchable power that knows no limitations…direction I’m heading-everywhere I want.

…difficult is doable…pain-tolerable, losses are lessons, fears-fleeting…

i’m supernatural

…because you love me.

 

my aim

**originally posted 11/06**

 

I look for you when I’m dancing on clouds & there’s music in my heart

Because when I smile, you should too.

I come to you when I’m angry

Because you calmly put my world and troubles into perspective,

Like no one else can.

I search you out when I’m afraid

Because you hold me & let me know that there’s nothing to fear.

And I feel your love protecting me.

 

My resolve is strong as I make my way.

At times, I run with everything in me—

Running so hard that I fully expect to lift my feet & fly into your arms.

I push thru the rough times,

Carving a path that you’re proud of when you see—

Because you know it was difficult & that I meant every step.

Thru it all, you are my target, my goal…my reward.

Thru everything, my aim is you…

 

come to me…

**originally posted on 11/06**

 

When time spent has been blissful, carefree, and my cheeks are sore from smiling, at the end of my day, you are there–I feel you beside me.

 

When the sky is overcast and I find myself staring into my favorite shade of blue-gray, you are there, watching with me as sunshine and brilliant rainbows peek thru the deepest clouds.  You listen with a smile and your arm is around me as I tell you for the thousandth time, “I wish it could stay like this forever. . .”  And later that night, when the air is warm and stormy, the rain awakens me.  Thunder resounds and my senses are heightened, aching for any sign of you. I feel you then—you come to me.

 

Oftentimes, when I’m snapped back to reality by a passing car, or awakened unwillingly from the deepest dreams of us, I look around, reaching for you, swearing that you were just laughing with me, looking into my eyes, wrapped around me, inside me.

 

There are nights when hurt squeezes my body and worry takes my breath.  You are there, calming me, whispering in my ear as you envelope me in your arms—I feel you–you come to me.

 

My mind understands that you’re not here, but my heart takes you everywhere I go.  Empty spaces around me are filled with you.  Hell for me is life without you.

Come to me now.  Explain to me one last time why the world is worth knowing if you’re not here with me.

 

 

’08 stuff

**the following was written just before this past new year’s holiday…but not completed at the time due to a death in my family on the day that i wrote it…still don’t know that it’s completed now–i had actually totally forgotten about it…but when i found it, i thought i would go ahead & post anyway…enjoy**

————

so last year around this time, not wanting to fall into that age-old trap of listing a ton of resolutions i knew i’d never adhere to, i instead made a list of things that i absolutely would NOT do in ’08, thinking i’d have better luck sticking to my assertions this way…yet again, i failed beautifully.

i thought maybe this year, i’d just recap…or rehash, as my friends often say and do–with no expectations for my year ahead—and see how that goes.   if i’d created this web page earlier in the year, i’d have more documentation to sift thru from all of the past 12 months in order to list like, my favorite moments of the year…but due to my stubbornness & silly fears & reservations about putting my thoughts down, I’ve pretty much only captured the last 6 months here (the first 6 months could pretty much be summed up with one word…or one relationship, as the case may be…amazinglynecessarilybeautifullysoul-searchinglyheavenly…enuff said there).  impossible to recall every moment that…struck me…in some way…without heavy prodding and/or visual stimulation, so here’s a random list of things from ’08 that i actually did/do remember…for 1 reason or another…

–broken bones
despite a lifetime of clumsiness & masterful accident-prone-ability, this was something i’d managed to avoid before this year. playing football has its perks…but multiple weeks in a half-ton ski boot humbled the crap outta me. i am NOT the superwoman (and by super, i mean ‘able to cause amazing accidents involving other people, while stealthily avoiding serious injury to my own person’) that i thought i was…

–rock & roll hall of fame
visiting this place was an experience that inspired me–as i viewed various famous-people artifacts & soaked up a ton of trivial info about them, i was amazed at how much a single person can accomplish thru music in a lifetime–either as a solo artist or as part of a band–& how these things can affect millions, the world over…so much that even a smelly boot or elastic from underwear they wore at any point in their life can be worth something to somebody, somewhere who never met them or even saw them in person. for this reason, i’ve decided that rather than discard them, from now on, i’m saving one from each pair of sneakers that i own & have begun storing them in an undisclosed closet at my mom’s house–i don’t have the space for that kind of crap at my place…she has no idea how profitable this will turn out to be for her…she’ll love me for it i think…i think i’ll leave it a surprise for her for now…

–babies
this past year, my family was blessed with 2 new babies–the first was born to my tiny first cousin (who will ALWAYS be little Le-Le to me! )…amazing how quickly you can go from carrying around & loving on a cute little kid to doing the same to that kid’s cute little kid.
about 2 weeks later, my little sister had the second baby to steal my heart last year–making me an aunt (and professional baby photographer) for the first time. i don’t think i’ve ever kissed a dimpled cheek so much in my life…gotta get him as much as i can now–before he realizes how NOT cool i am and learns to ‘toddle’ away from me…or before he’s strong enough to overcome the kissing-choke-hold i’m practicing in preparation for his teenage years…i’m just saying…he’s gonna be a big boy…but this auntie will always get her kisses!!

–blogging
besides being one of the best (cheapest & most convenient) ways of recording some of the ridiculous things i’m lucky enough to experience, i actually have the opportunity to incite feedback from the people who were there, or those who don’t understand why anyone was, which is always fun.  there’s now a spot in the world (wide web) that’s totally mine, accessible from anywhere at anytime, by anyone,  where you can find all or most of  the people & things i care about…along with a few random thoughts & opinions about…whatever…amazing.

–discovering  the difference between the blogging i’ve come to embrace and writing with a purpose. 
a couple of years ago, i began writing a random story.  i would pull it up whenever i got bored or sad and change the wording or add a sentence or two whenever the mood hit me…some time passed and i probably had about 10 pages down before i realized that it could actually lead to something more…something interesting…something entertaining. i let a few close people read what i had so far, and their encouragement and questions about what will happen with the characters next have me feeling compelled to answer. i’m still working on this story today with plans of completing it and possibly publishing it within the next year. i now have the desire to become a published novelist…and it feels great. sometimes i lose focus…motivation…other times, i’m obsessed to the point that i can’t concentrate on anything else…to finish it though, is the first real goal i’ve had in some time…i must now & i will.

 –bonfires
as stated in an earlier post–who knew sitting outside around a fire in the cold with a great group of people & cake & hot dogs could be so much fun. i definitely plan on doing more of this…if there’s gonna be cake. =))

–golf
i golfed more in the past 12 months than i have in my whole life…dunno why it took me so long to realize it could be so much fun.  i’m guessing a lot of the enjoyment comes from golfing with folks who are awesome at the game, yet
1) patient enough that they don’t mind how many times i miss the ball altogether before getting a shot off…i only do this when i’m not warmed up or something. (yeah…right) =\
2) are cool enough to climb a tree in the middle of the course in their snazzy golf gear, just because we think the picture would be funny…
3) are able to hold back guffaws and only snicker quietly as they watch me fall in a sandtrap (am not making this up)
i’ve even mastered the art of not looking so shocked when i take a swing that looks right and sends the ball sailing in the correct direction…THAT’S hard.

–england
no, i’ve never been there, but a good friend spent a few months there this year & filled me in on summa the goings-on. she dispelled lots of ignorant myths about the place…and confirmed a few things for me too (see below). she’s terribly funny & was nice enough to answer every stupid question i asked. i got to see awesome pics from her day-to-day, and even a few from stonehenge…felt like i was right there!!

a few excerpts from our emails (my questions & responses are pink, hers blue..):

do those folks over there celebrate thanksgiving? Nope, I had to work Thursday and Friday. you’re a freakin’ amurkan!!  i woulda started a petition for you to have those days off if i’d had advanced notice of the fact that they’re slave drivin’ ya over there.  ‘days never finished, massa got me workin’

 is their beer served warm? No, thank goodness….but no Miller Light or Bud Light anywhere….or Ranch dressing…ranch dressing smells like feet anyway…no big loss there.  No you didn’t!  next you’ll be saying you don’t like bbq sauce or hot sauce!  If you do, I’m coming over there!

and seriously, sum up the ‘dental’ situation over there–are the rumors true?  Not much dental insurance over here so you have to pay out of pocket…I see why they have a teeth situation.  Can’t see that anyone has ever worn braces…so lot’s o teef thrown in willy nilly…this made me laugh out loud.  The brits actually use the term ‘willy nilly’ and ‘tatty moggy’ whatever the hell that means…and they say ‘tick’ instead of ‘check’ and ‘bit’ instead of ‘part’….Typical lunch, ‘why, I only got a few of the best bits, where are all the good bits?’  o and ‘fortnight’…that’s a biggie…and ‘brilliant’ and ‘you’re a star’….they are just different…and very charming to listen to.

do they have a lunch time AND a tea time…or is tea with lunch?  Yes, they have lunch and tea…and they call dinner ‘Tea’ as well…Proper Tea is in the late afternoon and involves tea and scones and biscuits (cookies)…what the hell do they call biscuits then??  They don’t have biscuits, they have scones…which are really dense hard biscuits….if they ever had a real biscuit they would never go back to scones.is the term “iced tea” offensive to them?  Iced tea is an anomaly that they cannot understand….hahahahahaha!!!

 what’s a good dessert there?  Spotted dick.  *GASP*

are there more nekkid people & dead bodies on their tv programs?  They say the F word and you do see much more nakedness over here…sweet!!! you see lots o butt cheek…even in the commercials.

when their babies cry, does it sound like “whaaaaaa” like our babies or do they say something like “eeeeeeww” instead?  Have yet to meet a baby…but I’ll let ya know if I do…

what’s something that you/we do regularly that they just don’t understand?  We don’t travel like they do…we’re arrogant and obnoxious, mainly cause we rock!  I’m not helping the stereotype at all.  I say, ‘Ma’am’ all the time to be polite and I keep getting, ‘stop calling me ‘ma’am’ I’m not the queen!’  What I wasn’t ready for is how damn rude people are over here….old lady scraped my ass big time with her ‘trolley’ at the grocery store….i got nothing!  No, oops, or sorry, mostly just got the, ‘you should get your big ass up out the aisle before I hit it again’ look.

 …i could share more…but as i don’t want to annoy or offend any more Brits today, i’ll stop it there.  besides, you get the idea–bottom line (hehe, i said bottom) i thoroughly enjoyed my friend’s trip to england & hope she travels again at some point…and let’s me tag along then too…it doesn’t cost me a dime.  =))

i grew & learned quite a bit in the last 12 months…the thing i’m noticing is that as i grow older, i’m so much more aware of the lessons from each experience…and i retain them now–that’s a pretty cool thing.  despite any failures, and/or because of them, my year was awesome & there are lots of people who share responsibility for that…and at this very moment, i find myself more grateful than i’ve ever been.

if your new year is half as cool as my last…you’ll be one lucky sunuva—

 

…back in the day.

i ‘member:

when stamps used to cost $0.19.

when we played outside for hours at a time.

exchanging valentine’s cards with the whole class.

swimming at ‘the rec center.’

‘pony’ sneakers.

‘jordache’ sneakers.

having ‘real’ pen pals.

fraggle rock.

my HUGE hair.

school dances.

taping songs off the radio.

napping on the school bus…and in school…and before band rehearsal and basketball practice…i was a tired kid. (nothing’s changed.)

scoring a basket for the opposing team in a kiddie-league. (and that pretty much sums up my entire atheletic career on into adulthood)

chicken pox…thanks again for sharing, mikey.

jherie curls…still ‘all the rage’ in some geographical locations.

now & laters and nerds.

the show ‘solid gold’ and how ‘dance fever’ was my great-grandmother’s favorite show ever.

pizza or chicken patties w/chocolate milk in school.

field day.

4-square & kickball.

playing with that parachute during p.e. (i enjoyed this wayyy more than i’d like to admit)

being ‘the lookout’ while my friends fought in the bathroom after lunch that one time…lol.

substitute teachers.

asking p. gonzalez in 4th or 5th grade how to say my name in spanish…jeez.

being taller than 7′ 11″ d. elliott in elementary school. =)

when it was ok to wear hi-water pants–not that i ever did…ahem.

holding hands at a movie the first time…coincidentally, this was also the day i was strapped into my first training bra…and for the record, i did NOT think ‘ernest goes to camp’ was occasion enough to warrant such drastic & embarrassing measures!

when thursdays were the best nights for tv.

atari.

getting a new pair of cowgirl boots every year for my birthday as a child.

smoky the bear.

when my fireman/former air combat medic brother would put together routines to music–on roller skates–with our cousin. (hahahahaha!!) they had lifts & everything.

how the same little brother used to scream, cover his head, and run inside when jets would fly overhead. =)

he-man.

she-ra.

‘captain kangaroo’, ‘mister rogers’ neighborhood’, ‘the electric company’, ‘today’s special’, ‘the little rascals’, and ‘the three stooges’.

nickelodeon…’double dare’ was my fave, with ‘you can’t do that on television’ coming in at a close second.

waking up on saturday mornings, just for the awesome cartoons…back when cartoons were just for kids.

‘fat albert’ and ‘the brown hornet’

staying up all night and into the morning playing super mario brothers during the summer.

dance lessons.

piano lessons.

barely grazing that one hurdle during a middle school track meet, without falling down…nevertheless ending that part of my track & field career…i’m no idiot.

reading everything i could get my hands on as a kid.

sally jesse raphael & geraldo rivera.

receiving my first cd–’arrested development’ — 3 Years, 5 Months & 2 Days in the Life Of…

my first cd purchase–’en vogue’ — funky divas

saying the ‘pledge of allegiance’ every morning–in school . (at home, we sang negro spirituals instead).

church every sunday, usually followed by a ‘singin’.

all the really dangerous things we did regularly as kids–these sissy-wimps today wouldn’t have stood a chance.

bungee jumping during a torrential downpour, while my family watched-awesome.

motown records blasted throughout the house on saturday afternoons.

drinking water from the hose, back when we were allowed to use water freely, without being fined.

waking up at my grandparents house in the country on weekends and being able to walk around outside in nothing but my strawberry shortcake nightgown.

marching band…fondly…so?!

pep rallies.

falling down multiple times during school…almost always resulting in my mom leaving work early for a trip to the emergency room.

falling down during my aunt’s wedding. (i was the flower girl)

falling down at work & rolling into someone’s office…wait–that was like, last year–i just got carried away on the subject…

—anyway…if you deduced from reading this that i’m a bra-hating klutz who’s horrible at sports, crazy about her brother, and nostalgic about childhood saturdays, you’re right.
what do YOU remember?

 

…where was she running to with so much determination?

picture this:
2 brave friends, nic & zu, locked in an empty room to face a common foe…a fiesty, rubber ball.
the game: racquetball.
the object: scoring? nope. pesky rules? nope. having fun while defending ourselves against a deadly opponent out to kill us both?  yep.
backstory: so, i’ve got this vacation coming up…to someplace warm…soon…and i’m doing all i can to get myself into some kinda shape.  i mean, physically, i seriously could improve what i’m seeing…but more than that, i just wanna be active enuff in the coming weeks to feel a little better about myself as i depart for some time in the sun with all my girls…minus 1. i play outside a lot during the spring & summer, but it’s a little harder to find something to do inside  that keeps my attention long enuff to keep it up during the winter.
this brings me to the one activity that i’ve recently decided to attempt & judging from our 1st time out, i may not survive ’til spring…but i’m perfectly willing to try.  just a couple of reasons why this is probably a bad idea:

1…within 5 minutes of strenuous stretching, i decided i was ready to test the strength of my swing. while standing approximately 4.5 feet from the wall i gave the ball a bounce & with a swing of my racket with my left hand, i connected with the ball perfectly…the most beautiful sound followed as the ball smacked against the wall & then quickly exacted its revenge by catching me in the right armpit unexpectedly, knocking me off balance & adding an odd ‘tickle’ factor to the death-defying danger of the whole situation…and thus was the tone for the night.

2…i was astonished each time zu dived during the course of that hour…not to make a shot, mind you, but to dodge the ball altogether, as if it were a bullet, only to scramble after it as she realized she was actually supposed to hit it before it touched the floor again.

3…my favorite scene of the night was of zu running from the nearest side of the room to the far side with so much purpose, focused on something…as the rubber demon enters the scene from the right & tags zu in the ribs as she yelps with total surprise–she never saw it coming…where was she running to with so much determination? and how do you lose complete sight of the ball like that? who knows…but i would pay  for the opportunity to see that again.

4…there was actually a bit of a volley going where we kinda looked like we knew what we were doing, when suddenly, in the midst of play, the ball disappeared completely…zu & i stopped & looked at each other…both confused…me the most, because the ball turned up beneath my right heel…a feat that i’m sure has never been accomplished with so much grace & dignity during a game of racquetball EVER…i’m SURE of it!

i laughed so hard the entire hour we played because the ridiculous moments were SO ridiculous that i really should go ahead & apologize to the people who actually play this game by the rules & look halfway decent doing it…i am sorry…sort of.
my goal is to keep a sort of log of our play though & maybe show a little improvement along the way…but there are NO guarantees. besides, if we didn’t look how we look playing, YOU pros wouldn’t look so good!  …you’re freakin’ welcome!!!

 

Dorothy Love Davis (1924-2008)

you were this family’s rock, my mom’s best friend, and everyone’s inspiration.  you were a wonderful example of how to treat people…how to listen…most importantly-how to pray, even throughout your final days. 
you laughed and cried whenever appropriate…ever the perfect lady, loyal and loving your entire life.  you always had the best advice-my mom can vouch for that (smile)…you got her thru some pretty rough times (thank you). 
when you smiled, the person who caused it felt like they had really accomplished something…like they had done a wonderful service…and they had…because your life wasn’t always the easiest…so smiling sometimes may have been a little more work than…not.
your house was always warm & inviting. you offered everything from the tastiest foods to crafts made by your own little hands…full of love & discipline…just because you wanted to–not because anybody had to ask.
you suffered silently & didn’t complain…you fought instead, with all the strength that you could muster until you left the world as quietly & gracefully as you had lived your life…leaving everyone lost without you…but better because of you.
your family was always your first priority-we are ALL privileged to have known you, been loved by you, and those of us who were lucky enough learned from you…thank you for showing us how we’re all meant to live. we could all be better…and if for no other reason than ‘you’…we all should be better.
thank you ‘lil ma-maw’ –i will make you as proud of me as i am of you.
…and you will never be forgotten.

 

thanks (to many)

here’s what i know:
if someone flies in from out-of-state for your birthday…
or if you’re invited over to someone’s house for drinks on a school-night…
and they show up for a late dinner downtown with 10-or-so other people that same night & laugh the entire way thru an average dinner with terrible service just because you asked them to…
or they coordinate a birthday party at your favorite bowling center to bowl multiple games & eat a cake with a picture of your face plastered on it…
and cheer you on while you bowl a lifetime high 226…
or they let you bring people with you to traipse about their property for no good reason…
or meet you out at midnight to celebrate your birthday, and dance the night away…
or volunteer to be your d.d…
or bake your favorite desserts for you…
or take you to an awesome basketball game…
or to an IMAX movie…they might care about you a little.
people are busy…lots to do…
time is precious…so remind them constantly that they are too.

thank you all for everything that you did & do, and i’m blessed to have you in my life.

 

thanks (to one)

i just wanna say this is the best birthday i have ever had…and that you are the biggest part of why i say that. i wanna tell you that time in my world stops and the sun shines brighter when you’re with me. i need to tell you that i laugh the hardest when it’s because of you and the feeling lingers long after i’ve stopped because i love you so much. i wanna ask you how it feels to know that you’re the most important person in someone’s life and that they don’t ever wanna experience their world without you in it again. i wanna express my excitement to you about how much we’ve done together in such a short time, and talk to you about how my expectations of our future together bring smiles to my lips daily because i know that you want everything for us that i do…and as badly too.
we just spent an entire week together for the first time ever. in that week, you visited my hometown, met my family, bowled with me, got up early for me, slept late with me, allowed me to cook you breakfast & dinner, and you ate every bite; you sang with me and for me, danced with me, ate too much birthday pumpkin roll, birthday cake, and birthday cobbler with me; Christmas shopped and exchanged gifts with me, saw John Legend with me, took me to my first IMAX movie & watched 5 others with me; ‘picumented’ my birthday party, kept me warm every night, held my hand everyday, squeezed me constantly for no good reason, and told me i was beautiful until i almost believed it…i’m still working on that…and i appreciate your patience with me in the meantime.
i just wanna say that you’re the best gift i’ve ever received…and the one i’ll always cherish the most…
you’re the thanks i offer at the end of every prayer, and my proof that they’re answered.
that’s all…i just wanted to say…today.

 

you just never know

say you have this one friend whom you’ve always sort of admired. from what you can see, she’s uber-intelligent & successful–both personally & professionally. she’s knowledgeable, cultured, & very well traveled. this friend is always really busy so you hardly ever get to see her, but when you do, she always has a hug & a laugh waiting for you. this friend is so cool that whether you ever say it or not, you’re probably a little intimidated by her.
so you find out recently that when this friend has had any spare time over the years, she’s sung in a band of fun-loving, talent-filled neuro-veterinarian super people. you’re invited to hear them perform at an unbelievable house on a lake one saturday night.
you get there, you eat a lot, you drink a little, you’re introduced to all her impressive, yet warm friends & band mates. you enjoy yourself immensely before the band even starts to play.  then the time comes for you see her perform. you’re sooo proud of all the talent you’ve heard of, but are only just now able to witness for yourself…what’s your favorite part of the night?  when this distinctive & sophisticated friend sings the hinges off the bluesy song “meet me with your black drawers on.” and what do you do while she belts it out? you dance.

 

7 days to go…and i’m scared.

i think i’m scared that he won’t win.
or maybe, i’m scared that he will win, but he–and by extension, his race, rather than his political party–will then be ripped to shreds for every decision he makes as president.
i’m afraid for his family.
i’m angry about the fact that no matter who wins, everyone can’t anyway…because not everyone has the interests of the entire country as a whole at heart…because we’re all not the same, despite having the same basic needs, and entitlement to the same basic rights.
i’m bothered by the fact that no matter who wins, some of the most basic of my  rights will still not be determined by my actions towards others. they will instead, continue to be decided in courts by strangers who are allowed to tiptoe around applicable commandments at any given time, while standing on the foundation of a verse that says i’m an abomination, as they continue to ignore the verses that explain why (if interpreted with the same fervor) they’re in just as much trouble as i’m in, if only because of their own love lives, the foods that they consume, or their judgment of me as they’re gulping it all down.
i’m scared about the lengths to which the angriest of us will go in order to create fear and division…all in the name of their religion…when it’s clear that they lost sight of theirs the second they began their tirade.
but i’m proud too…
i’m proud of the fact that those of us who seem to be judged the most harshly in these instances appear to show the most grace. i still shake my head in wonder at the fact that some still use the label ‘the angry left’ for one political party…while the blatant extremists from theirs are the ones you’ll find yelling and screaming hateful things at rallies about a man who is simply exercising the rights that he and those before him have earned…when we all know those rights should’ve been extended to them in the first place, and then not questioned after the fact.  how dare he and his wife work hard for a decent life for their family…and then have the audacity to reach further politically than anyone else of their race ever has…who gave them the right?  the point is: they have that right along with plenty of other upstanding (and not so upstanding–term used loosely to reflect various past and present members of congress) citizens.
i’m proud of all the people who are voting for ideals and beliefs, rather than a skin color…but even those who are voting for a color get their props for voting at all…i’m proud of them for caring enough.
i’m proud to be a witness to these extraordinary times, regardless of the outcome of this particular presidential election.
and i’m proud that someone somewhere, who’s nothing at all like me, can read this and (whether they agree or disagree) can respect me…as well as any other decent, self-respecting person who gives a damn about anyone outside their own family, their race, or their religion without judging them because of their differences. if more people could have that same respect for others, i wouldn’t be nearly as scared as i am today…and i’d have more to be proud of.
compassion for others…seriously, it’s easier than you think…and cheaper than food or gas, no matter who’s president.