sparks vs. the flame

…so just to revisit a discussion from earlier today…i asked which you prefer–the sparks or the flame.  remember? i told you that EYE prefer the sparks.  you first chose the flame.  i explained my definition/gave examples of what equates ’sparks’ to me:
my first example had to do with a particular night we shared…the slow beginning of the end of it…soft kisses…words whispered…wanting…moving…building up to the ‘flame’, which i described as ‘varying in temperature all the way up until’ the embers smoldered as we slept.
more examples of our sparks…to a lesser degree:
the little things like subtle touches while we walk and while we eat together closely, in our own little bubble…how our hands always seem to find each other, without us ever having to think about it…(ever notice how it’s never just one hand? =)) i described it as ‘magnetic, warm and subconsciously deep’. during this last visit, we had sparks throughout every day, with a few fiery looks sprinkled in for good measure. then, the actual flames at night…
i smile as i remember that it was at this point in the conversation that you changed your preference from ‘the flame’ to ’sparks’…and added examples of your own:
me napping in your lap, us jumping waves in the ocean, playing on the beach, the theater, standing close, speaking softly, with sharks swimming over our heads (we did a lot in a very short time, huh?), sharing food, watching each other…
yeah, we’re definitely ’sparks’ people…the flame is just the icing on the cake…
i love you.

ok

the beauty of it is:  i always feel ok…well maybe not always feel ok, per se, but even when things are ‘iffy’ and there doesn’t seem to be a way out of the conversation/situation that’ll be favorable to both…i still feel ok.  it’s kind of like knowingly having all the resources for any given situation, whether you’ve ever been in that particular position or not…you don’t give in to worry because you know you’re equipped with all the tools to work your way thru it.  it’s like knowing that your favorite dessert, in the perfect sized serving will be waiting for you at the end of every meal you have…or an impending thunderstorm at the end of a long, hot, busy day when all you want is your own space, with a cool breeze wafting thru open windows and your privacy. 
no matter how much we dread the particular discussion, or the outcome of it, we know that we’re both willing to work at it until it’s all ok.  until we both feel better.  better doesn’t always come immediately, but it’s always within sight…always within our grasp. i never doubt that ‘ok’ is right…there.

now? please?

can i have some of that thing you do? you know–the one thing that leads to the other stuff that i want so badly i can feel it all before you start. how ’bout giving me a little of that one sensation that i crave more than anything…well, anything except for your arms around me…after. truth is, i dream about you when i’m wide awake, the vision of your lithe form not even close to the reality of the touch, the warmth, the taste of you when you’re really here with me. i want you, even when i’m late & rushing…listening & laughing…working & playing. my body responds to things i want to feel from you, but haven’t yet…but i know i will. and when i do, you’ll know exactly how hard it’s been for me to wait, to do without…you…here…

let it out (not THAT)

i was talking to a friend of mine about blogging yesterday.  she says there’s too much going on in her head to be able to really focus her thoughts or slow them down long enough to put words together anywhere.  it made so much sense, her reason for…not. i’d bet there are sooo many people who feel exactly the same.
for me though, it’s when i’m feeling ‘all over the place’, and heavy and unfocused that i seem to want to scribble more. i was telling her, it doesn’t have to be a long, drawn out thing. it can be one sentence…just a few key words to sum up your day. like any given day, i could write something like, “i should’ve checked in with my family today.” then, as sure as i put down those few words, my heart speaks up and my brain takes down notes. suddenly, there’s an explanation there on the page that i couldn’t have come up with before i started. by the time i’ve finished, i’ve worked out in my head that i most likely haven’t called because my great-grandmother’s back in the hospital & calling would mean i would hear that she hasn’t improved…and about how sad my mom is.   and where last week, she fought tooth & nail against being put into a rest home…this week, she’s given up, begun telling the family she’s tired & ready to go, & probably won’t see the inside of her house ever again.
not releasing these thoughts from my head in some way would leave me a ball of emotions for all to see & carry.
by the same token, i never explained to my friend that a blog doesn’t necessarily have to be heavy…and that she could get just as much satisfaction & release by writing about how one of her friends (a bad one) farted (a really bad one) on her other friend (the sweet one) in a public place for no good reason whatsoever. she could write about that. and while EYE don’t find it terribly funny (i’m the sweet one)…she might.

ain’t nuthin’ but a number…

i’m getting older.  i’ve heard that the older you get, the less you care about what people think of you or whose feelings you hurt.  in my family, that saying’s been used to defend the mean, but terribly funny great-grandmothers’ & grandfathers’ dreadfully honest outbursts when say, one of the aunts walks into the house wearing a floor-length, sequined dress on a saturday afternoon for no good reason. 
while i do still care a great deal about whether or not i hurt others…i speak up now.  my patience for idiocy is wearing thin, and i can feel it growing thinner by the second.  it seems that during this travel thru my 30s, i’m slowly making a transformation from ‘avoid-confrontation-at-all-costs’ nicki, to’ the ‘i’m-telling-you-you’re-an-idiot-for-not-knowing-better-nicki’ who’s becoming more like her grands, daily.
i wonder if it’s true that once you reach a certain age, you’ve pretty much earned the right to say whatever enters your mind, without a second thought…is 32 old enough…??

hall of famer?? i think not!

so, i visited the rock & roll hall of fame in cleveland awhile back for the first time ever. it was one of the coolest things i’ve ever done. there was so much to see and take in! i thoroughly enjoyed all the famous trinkets, cars, musical factoids and such. i learned lots while being taken thru eras and hairstyles that i’d heard of or had nightmares about, and then immediately blacked out of my mind until i was old enough to handle the trauma of seeing my childhood school pictures with my hair in just…those…styles…all of them.

the colorfully hazy, amplified jimi hendrix displays were probably the most interesting and visually stimulating…at times, i could like, smell a hallucination coming on but sobered up in the end, and left the place with only a new fascination with the man…the legend…his fashion–which brings me to the single, most important thing i learned on that visit about pretty much everyone who had clothing displayed there: those famous folks were/are tiny!! some of that clothing displayed looked like outfits yanked right off some school kids in a wizard of oz production, or from a mini star trek movie set. there were tiny michael jackson glitter-things…itty-bitty madonna pointy-stuff—you know, if my bones and muscles were half the size of a normal adult, i could stand on my tippy-toes and moonwalk, or bend and twist and yoga myself into super-human ‘fit-dom‘ too!!
i now understand exactly why it is that i’ve not yet become famous: standing 5′10″ and weighing roughly none-of-your-business, i’m just too big to be a famous rock star…and i don’t play music. i soo wish i had figured this out sooner–i wouldn’t have wasted all this time waiting to be discovered as i yell the words ‘pour some sugar on meeeeee!!!’ louder than everyone else, while playing air guitar, standing on the table at—nevermind. i now know why i haven’t been discovered, and why i’ll never be a famous rock star…that’s what’s important.

today’s definickisms

larger than life: someone who wanders into your life and has such an effect on you and/or your situation, that you know that by simply meeting them, you’ll never be the same again.

crazy luck: when that person volunteers to stay around…like, forever.

DOO-DOO-DOOT-TO-BEE-BOP-PEE-DOO: nic skatz

that’s crap: “i’m sorry, i don’t agree.”

yeah, so?!: “ok…you were right, and i was wrong.”

oh?: “seriously, i’m only listening to you to be polite.”

aww, precious lamb: “you poor dolt.”

that was a good story!:  “got any pancakes?”

too funny: “i’m sleepy.”

of course i’m listening: “nap time!”