well…i know my strengths…and limitations.

…i’ve always suspected that i might be an impatient person…

the stanford marshmallow study: began in 1960—hungry 4-year-olds were offered a marshmallow, but were told that if they could wait for the experimenter to leave the room & then return, they would get 2 marshmallows instead of 1.  1/3 of the kids grabbed one immediately, a few more waited for awhile, and another 1/3 waited the entire 15-20 mins for the experimenter to get back.  this was a study about self discipline and said a lot about these children and the types of adults they would grow up to be. turns out that when checking on these kids years later, the ones who grabbed the 1 marshmallow quickly turned out to be impulsive, drug-addicted saps who were involved in unhappy relationships & were just all-around unhealthy people altogether. the ones who waited for 2 grew up to be successful, well-adjusted adults with happy, perfect kids & lives, and yachts & stuff…yeah right.
ok, first of all, who would be cruel enough to starve 4 year olds anyway?? and then only offer 1 OR 2 marshmallows??? and they could only get 2 if they voluntarily suffered longer than the others? can’t you just picture starved 4-year-old kids, crawling across the floor to a table with a single marshmallow for each of them? …no milk or anything…those poor dears. why weren’t these evil “interviewers” prosecuted? and why were the results so extreme? couldn’t there have been a happy medium…like, if you waited long enough to get 2, but rebelled and asked to be rewarded with a slice of cake…or $13 instead, couldn’t you have been viewed as..industrious…??  or if you only wanted 1 marshmallow in the first place, couldn’t you have been seen as mature or something?  …i dunno…i don’t have all the details of the study…i’m just saying.

the 2 people that i’m closest to are 2-marshmallow people…they are very patient folks who are able to pace themselves and they practice self control regularly…according to one of them, if i had participated in this study, i would’ve gobbled my 1 marshmallow immediately & then talked a couple of the patient kids into happily offering me the 2 marshmallows that they waited on so patiently…and i would’ve saved those for later. i don’t know what the study would say about that, but i’m thinking it would be something along the lines of ‘future millionaire’.

today’s pms mantra (every woman should have one)

i’m just thinkin’ bout life…and how good it is. am thinkin’ bout how on any given day, so many things could go wrong…but they don’t…and somehow, i’m equipped with the knowledge that if they do, i’ll get thru it. i always do.
my family is always within reach. my friends are some of the best any one person could ask for.
the car i’ve been driving for 12 years continues to crank everytime i try it (for now).
work can be overwhelming some days…but i am working and therefore thankful.
the weather’s warm.
i have my aches, pains, and aggravations, but they usually pass after a bit.

i care what happens to everybody i know. i’m SO loved. i feel good right now…life is good…and i’m ok.

time with my family

**originally written after returning from Christmas break with my family, last year**

 hearing your grandmother laugh ’til she squeaks is sort of like when a baby gets tickled and laughs out loud for the first time…you just get all warm and it’s the sweetest, cutest, most delightful sound you’ve ever heard…and it makes you laugh…and love even more.

it’s like there’s a gas leak.  that’s what i say to myself when i feel it starting…the giggles.  that’s the only logical explanation when we begin…and can’t stop sometimes when we all get together.

it starts with just a few small chuckles at the silliest thing…then grows as we look around at each other with big goofy grins while we shake our heads.  i think at some point, it morphs…from a few of us laughing at something ridiculous…to a family reveling in the fact that we’re all content to sit with each other and tell stories of no importance and lean on the person who’s next to us…for support…and laugh ’til we’re tired & the tears come.  we save up for these conversations; it can be 3 of us or 9; and we can be in the house, car, or at the mall in a crowd that disappears completely when we start up for whatever reason…and it’s always appropriate…to us…

everybody who’s experienced some type of joyous…thing–large or small, would probably like to capture the feeling, or the smell, or the sound of that experience…to keep for themselves, or share with others, whatever the case may be…i would too.  i wouldn’t want to keep it though–i’d give a little to everybody if they asked…and i’d want to watch them hear…see their reaction to the cackles, chortles, chuckles, wheezes and such, following any silly thing we hear, say, and then rehash.

it really is just laughter…merriment…mirth…glee…a simple thing, not a requirement to the livelihood of some…but effortless and true…without malice or judgment…it’s a necessity for me.

the fact that the grands laugh just as hard the rest of us makes it sweeter…they’ve probably experienced things throughout their lifetimes that nobody should have, but they made us anyway & protected us for just these moments…

 i recharge my battery when i’m home with them & bring it all back to my life away from them…bottled up…sharing it all with everyone who amuses me…or needs amusing…and at some point, my mouth opens and they hear my family without knowing…and they laugh like us too.

all because…

**originally posted 1/07**

…eyes are as open as my heart is now…vision is clear & all I see is good…sight is now focused as it has never been before…strength-returning…the future, within reach again.

…soul is singing to music from the sun & the stars…the pitch of our melody-perfect, as it’s carried on the wind for miles…those like us hear it, recognize, & hum along with a smile as they make their way back home to what they have.

…spirit is lifted, shining, warming everyone around me. the truth of what I feel, evident as it resonates from inside, louder & brighter all the time. I grow more everyday, as does what’s swirling within me.

…thirst for life is heightening, beyond the bounds of loneliness & doubt…desire for everything, now multiplied by two! …feelings-mutual…source of untouchable power that knows no limitations…direction I’m heading-everywhere I want.

…difficult is doable…pain-tolerable, losses are lessons, fears-fleeting…

i’m supernatural

…because you love me.

my aim

**originally posted 11/06**

 

I look for you when I’m dancing on clouds & there’s music in my heart

Because when I smile, you should too.

I come to you when I’m angry

Because you calmly put my world and troubles into perspective,

Like no one else can.

I search you out when I’m afraid

Because you hold me & let me know that there’s nothing to fear.

And I feel your love protecting me.

 

My resolve is strong as I make my way.

At times, I run with everything in me—

Running so hard that I fully expect to lift my feet & fly into your arms.

I push thru the rough times,

Carving a path that you’re proud of when you see—

Because you know it was difficult & that I meant every step.

Thru it all, you are my target, my goal…my reward.

Thru everything, my aim is you…

come to me…

**originally posted on 11/06**

 

When time spent has been blissful, carefree, and my cheeks are sore from smiling, at the end of my day, you are there–I feel you beside me.

 

When the sky is overcast and I find myself staring into my favorite shade of blue-gray, you are there, watching with me as sunshine and brilliant rainbows peek thru the deepest clouds.  You listen with a smile and your arm is around me as I tell you for the thousandth time, “I wish it could stay like this forever. . .”  And later that night, when the air is warm and stormy, the rain awakens me.  Thunder resounds and my senses are heightened, aching for any sign of you. I feel you then—you come to me.

 

Oftentimes, when I’m snapped back to reality by a passing car, or awakened unwillingly from the deepest dreams of us, I look around, reaching for you, swearing that you were just laughing with me, looking into my eyes, wrapped around me, inside me.

 

There are nights when hurt squeezes my body and worry takes my breath.  You are there, calming me, whispering in my ear as you envelope me in your arms—I feel you–you come to me.

 

My mind understands that you’re not here, but my heart takes you everywhere I go.  Empty spaces around me are filled with you.  Hell for me is life without you.

Come to me now.  Explain to me one last time why the world is worth knowing if you’re not here with me.