mommy

 eyes closed, mouth open, she rests…finally.  still holding on to the railing of her bed, as if her world is continuing to spin a little faster than normal.  she’s just had a shot of morphine for the pain, so everything’s dull and quiet for now.  her mind and body are rebooting to the rhythm of all the beeping and pumping machinery all around her.  she’s had lots to think about for the past few weeks…both parents diagnosed with cancer, her own lack of mobility, and worries about today’s pretty heavy surgery to correct that…blindsided in a sense.  she deserves this quiet and pampering, and all the forthcoming encouragement and attention in return for all the strength she’s shown…and lent, while putting concerns about herself on the back burner for a minute.  now, she gets to focus on herself…getting better, stronger, getting back, with her bounce…our walk.  she’s feeling good right now…but she’ll feel better once all the therapy’s done and she’s free again.  they say she’ll be in this hospital room for at least 3 or 4 days…plenty of  time for her to get her head together…and apparently, she’ll need it.  she just woke up with a look of shock on her face, asking me, “Did you say they catheterized me?!”  i laughed & told her, ‘No, I didn’t say anything…but yes, you do have a catheter.”  she then asked me, ”Where?” as i laughed…and she passed out again.  classic.  cute.  mommy.

i get

angry sometimes

frustrated

heavy with grief over what could be

sad about things i can’t help

upset with the skeptics who refuse to except the good or pure, even when there’s no doubt that it’s all they should be interested in, during a particular situation

that even after all the rest in the world, because of how much i feel, all the time, i’m still gonna be tired…worn, but

that the end of every day starts the beginning of the next

that my goal isn’t to focus so much on making it to the end of each day, but upon getting thru it, continue looking forward to the opportunity  to begin the next.

i’m getting it.

wasting time.

yesterday, i (yes EYE) went fishing.  i never really did anything like that when i was younger…i don’t think anybody in my family thought i’d be interested…worms and all i guess…yeah, they were right.  besides that, who’s got room in a small boat for a gangly, amazingly allergic kid and all the stuff she ‘needed’ to have with her at all times (i.e. inhalers, 4 books, lotion, 2 skin creams, an electronic game with plenty of batteries, a Rubik’s cube, and an etch-a-sketch)…WHO?  …nobody i knew. 

i actually did  hope to catch something yesterday, but i’m wondering what i would’ve done if i had…hmm…picture a quickly-rigged contraption where the fishing pole was tied to a chair/tree/small child, keeping my catch just far enough inside the edge of the water to stay alive while i run away screaming for help…and accolades.  i hope the folks that i was with didn’t actually expect me to touch anything i caught.  the bait was artificial, and i was careful not to let even a drop of water from the pond touch me…last thing i need is some gross infection…or fish bite…yet, somehow i still found the whole experience to be…relaxing.

the michael jackson cd someone had blasting from the house closest to the pond was pretty sweet too. 

yep…nothing like some good ol’ outdoorsey, all-natural fishin’ for this country girl.

lol