sometimes i make sense, sometimes i just…

…stream-of-consciousness: writing style, psychology term…the cloak i wear.
although i’d heard the phrase before, i’d never paid any special attention to it until a friend mentioned it to me awhile back as i described my blog to her. i’ve looked it up since then and i think she’s right…

 according to an article written by John Mepham, Kingston University:

The term “stream of consciousness” was… introduced in William James’s The Principles of Psychology (1890) to denote the continuous flow of thoughts, feelings and impressions which, he believed, is what makes up our inner lives. James was aware of the complexity of this “stream”. It does not consist of a single stream of consecutive items; many items may coexist.

i think this is definitely me…not just how i write, but how i think, how i live–spontaneously unedited.  my mind, always moving…forward or backward at any given time.  i remember things i’m supposed to let go of forever and forget things i once thought meant the most.  anything can remind me of someone; any one person can make me want to forget a particular thing.  i’m assuming most of the world is the same.

some might call it ‘unfocused’, but um…i don’t care.  i just try to move fairly smoothly from one experience to the next as if it’s a mission–but i don’t accept it begrudgingly, because i’m happy to grab any lesson i can from each sweet, salty, luscious moment…then loaf about, leaving behind pictures of all the moments i remember…or want to forget, using words of my heart’s choosing.

stream of consciousness…conscious of it all.

life is a given, living is not

when someone you know loses their life unexpectedly, it rattles you.  and it only makes the situation harder when they’re young, and all you’ve ever seen or heard about this person was good…when you can see how deeply their death affects others in your life…when every memory you have of this person involves genuine smiles between the two of you.

death is a horrible thing…but it’s inevitable. living (not to be confused with life), is not, no matter how much time we’re each allotted here in this world. being conscious…being present is taken for granted by many of us, everyday. i pride myself on the fact that i hold on with both hands, no matter how hard it is sometimes…to the lessons i learn, to the people who care to teach me, to my truths. i’ve done that for most of my life, but sometimes it takes an unexpected loss that hits close to home, to remind me to be truly grateful for the responsibility…because there’s no way to know how long i’ll be blessed with it. for me personally, loving is living…so i take comfort in knowing that so far, i’ve lived a pretty full life…and each friend and family member i have can attest to that.