to my self doubt

to the shadow behind my half-smiles…the focus of my every sideways glance, you are my reason for second-guessing any answer or feeling before sharing, and why my goals and aspirations are whispers and not proclamations…
i sleep thoroughly most nights, wrapped in your arms–my excuses & complacency–reinforced by the uselessness of my unfounded concerns, my half-written books, my unbalance.  i’m comfortable there, and you graciously take the blame for that.
in as much as i hate your existence though, i do so enjoy every time i get the best of you…with every line i write, every genuine smile sent my way, and through every word of encouragement i earn…my confidence grows.

everybody’s got their vices, their flaws…i’m certainly not without mine: my dedication to you…

today’s pms mantra (every woman should have one)

i’m just thinkin’ bout life…and how good it is. am thinkin’ bout how on any given day, so many things could go wrong…but they don’t…and somehow, i’m equipped with the knowledge that if they do, i’ll get thru it. i always do.
my family is always within reach. my friends are some of the best any one person could ask for.
the car i’ve been driving for 12 years continues to crank everytime i try it (for now).
work can be overwhelming some days…but i am working and therefore thankful.
the weather’s warm.
i have my aches, pains, and aggravations, but they usually pass after a bit.

i care what happens to everybody i know. i’m SO loved. i feel good right now…life is good…and i’m ok.

Dorothy Love Davis (1924-2008)

you were this family’s rock, my mom’s best friend, and everyone’s inspiration.  you were a wonderful example of how to treat people…how to listen…most importantly-how to pray, even throughout your final days. 
you laughed and cried whenever appropriate…ever the perfect lady, loyal and loving your entire life.  you always had the best advice-my mom can vouch for that (smile)…you got her thru some pretty rough times (thank you). 
when you smiled, the person who caused it felt like they had really accomplished something…like they had done a wonderful service…and they had…because your life wasn’t always the easiest…so smiling sometimes may have been a little more work than…not.
your house was always warm & inviting. you offered everything from the tastiest foods to crafts made by your own little hands…full of love & discipline…just because you wanted to–not because anybody had to ask.
you suffered silently & didn’t complain…you fought instead, with all the strength that you could muster until you left the world as quietly & gracefully as you had lived your life…leaving everyone lost without you…but better because of you.
your family was always your first priority-we are ALL privileged to have known you, been loved by you, and those of us who were lucky enough learned from you…thank you for showing us how we’re all meant to live. we could all be better…and if for no other reason than ‘you’…we all should be better.
thank you ‘lil ma-maw’ –i will make you as proud of me as i am of you.
…and you will never be forgotten.

her tears

my mom is faced with the fact that her grandmother may be dying…below was written for her.

so she cries, and it hurts like i caused it myself
she can’t talk for the effort to breathe
i try to find words that i feel i’m equipped with
but nothing comes out as i freeze

she wants to be strong but i know that she’ll stay
where she is, in her deepest of blue
she is hurting so bad all she knows is her sad
there is nothing anybody can do

by the time it has landed-that very first tear
i know what the ending will be
by the end of the night i will put her to bed
where she’ll sob well into her sleep

when she wakes from no rest with the sun the next day
she is tired, emotional-but drained
it’s all over her face, weighing down each breath
all the heartache in the world, all the pain

so she cries, and it hurts like i caused it myself
as she prays that her prayers aren’t in vain