so, i’ve been asked if i had any questions about what happened with us. up until now, i’ve said no, and that i had nothing else to say to you. i felt this way because i was convinced that you’d remain closed off emotionally and would never open up about how you really, really felt, what your take is on everything that happened, or about any motives you may have had. i can’t say that i’ve changed my mind…i’ve had no indications that i should…i’m thinking now of the questions my friends have about who you were then, and who you are attempting to be to them now. i will continue to stay out of it, just asking that you mean everything you say to them, because by some measure they still tend to believe you, as it’s how we’re all sort of built…and why we have the relationships we have together. be careful with them.
anyway, as i started writing this, it occurred to me that if you ever did come around, this is what i’d want to know:
did you intend to become all the things you said you already were, but then you got here and i proved to be too heavy for you emotionally? or not what you wanted physically? do you really feel like you were the open, affectionate, selfless person you described yourself to be and that maybe i was the one who was different than i described?
i’ve just never seen someone become so…indifferent so fast, or create the change in me that you did. i became a totally different person than i ever was, before you or than i have been since. i actually really started to dislike myself at one point…so i can only imagine what you thought of me in the end…more than once, you called me judgemental & argumentative–two words that were never used to describe me previously…i’ll openly admit that when i was with you, i think i was at times…but as i’d never been that way before you, i maintain that i was just dealing with what i had been dealt, in a sense. i truly hate that you ever had to see that side of me, no matter what my reasons were for being that way.
i don’t want any apologies from you–that’s not what this is about. i’m not even sorry it all happened–i don’t know that i’d have realized how blessed i am today, if not for the loss i felt when i realized that i had been in denial about what you and i had. i painted the perfect picture, based on promises, of what we were supposed to be…when the truth was, it was all only preparation for the kind of love i was intended for…the kind of love i have today.
i hope you have found whatever it was you were searching for…whatever it was that i wasn’t…and that you’re genuinely happy. i still don’t believe i ever saw you that way, no matter how hard i tried.
the best of wishes in whatever you do,
n
