sometimes i make sense, sometimes i just…

…stream-of-consciousness: writing style, psychology term…the cloak i wear.
although i’d heard the phrase before, i’d never paid any special attention to it until a friend mentioned it to me awhile back as i described my blog to her. i’ve looked it up since then and i think she’s right…

 according to an article written by John Mepham, Kingston University:

The term “stream of consciousness” was… introduced in William James’s The Principles of Psychology (1890) to denote the continuous flow of thoughts, feelings and impressions which, he believed, is what makes up our inner lives. James was aware of the complexity of this “stream”. It does not consist of a single stream of consecutive items; many items may coexist.

i think this is definitely me…not just how i write, but how i think, how i live–spontaneously unedited.  my mind, always moving…forward or backward at any given time.  i remember things i’m supposed to let go of forever and forget things i once thought meant the most.  anything can remind me of someone; any one person can make me want to forget a particular thing.  i’m assuming most of the world is the same.

some might call it ‘unfocused’, but um…i don’t care.  i just try to move fairly smoothly from one experience to the next as if it’s a mission–but i don’t accept it begrudgingly, because i’m happy to grab any lesson i can from each sweet, salty, luscious moment…then loaf about, leaving behind pictures of all the moments i remember…or want to forget, using words of my heart’s choosing.

stream of consciousness…conscious of it all.

mommy

 eyes closed, mouth open, she rests…finally.  still holding on to the railing of her bed, as if her world is continuing to spin a little faster than normal.  she’s just had a shot of morphine for the pain, so everything’s dull and quiet for now.  her mind and body are rebooting to the rhythm of all the beeping and pumping machinery all around her.  she’s had lots to think about for the past few weeks…both parents diagnosed with cancer, her own lack of mobility, and worries about today’s pretty heavy surgery to correct that…blindsided in a sense.  she deserves this quiet and pampering, and all the forthcoming encouragement and attention in return for all the strength she’s shown…and lent, while putting concerns about herself on the back burner for a minute.  now, she gets to focus on herself…getting better, stronger, getting back, with her bounce…our walk.  she’s feeling good right now…but she’ll feel better once all the therapy’s done and she’s free again.  they say she’ll be in this hospital room for at least 3 or 4 days…plenty of  time for her to get her head together…and apparently, she’ll need it.  she just woke up with a look of shock on her face, asking me, “Did you say they catheterized me?!”  i laughed & told her, ‘No, I didn’t say anything…but yes, you do have a catheter.”  she then asked me, ”Where?” as i laughed…and she passed out again.  classic.  cute.  mommy.

shut up & listen

…there’s somethin’ to be said ’bout the calming sound of a summer rain drifting thru your bedroom window at night…but i’ll figure out the best way to describe it another time…right now, i’m appreciating…and breathing…and…

sure, there’s a point…i promise.

one amazing feeling, as captured by a few wandering thoughts.

you can listen to this while you read…if you like:   the point of it all– anthony hamilton
…it fits my groove/mood/thoughts/cravings/o.c.d. today better than other songs i’ve heard recently.

…it’s rainy outside, yet warm…i’m here alone, but not lonely…longing, though not sad…totally humbled, yet full of love–to the point of almost bursting–so full that i’m not quite sure what i’m supposed to do when i find myself so…aware…of it all…screaming, jumping up and down, tears, or hysterical laughter would all be reasonable reactions, even to the most conservative of people…if they could feel it for even a second.
i’m trying to communicate something, without rambling on forever–because i could, you understand, NEVER run out of words to describe this high…even on low days. it’s just that i’m more sure than i’ve ever been in my life that it’s mutual and right..despite any opposition we may ever come to know of, which we’ll always ignore…focusing instead, on what’s been true from the start.
…i’m saying all this (rambling, despite myself) to get to my point…EYE LOVE EWE…so deeply that i hear you when you’re not speaking, feel you when you’re beyond my reach, and see you in every experience i have.
as far apart as we are…as rarely as we get to physically be together, i’m so grateful…for the opportunity to see the progress of what we’re building up from the foundation of love, respect, and honesty that we agreed upon not so long ago…for the understanding of how we had to live through our experiences from ‘before us’ so we can better appreciate our ‘after’…and how we’re equipped with the presence of mind to notice and give thanks for the differences…and the tools to express them all…and the passion between us for paying attention to every.little.thing…and the bravery to acknowledge who we are to each other……amazing when i think about it. (catching my breath now) that’s it…for now.
thanks again for being here…choosing me…loving me…affording me the motivation to expand/better who i am, how i see…my world in general…ok, i’m stopping now…again…i really could go on…because there’s always something good to say, even when things are hard…always a happy thought to share about–nevermind. enough…the point…you…i love…and i want to make you understand th–. (running away from my computer as fast as i can now, as it’s the only way i’ll stop)

time with my family

**originally written after returning from Christmas break with my family, last year**

 hearing your grandmother laugh ’til she squeaks is sort of like when a baby gets tickled and laughs out loud for the first time…you just get all warm and it’s the sweetest, cutest, most delightful sound you’ve ever heard…and it makes you laugh…and love even more.

it’s like there’s a gas leak.  that’s what i say to myself when i feel it starting…the giggles.  that’s the only logical explanation when we begin…and can’t stop sometimes when we all get together.

it starts with just a few small chuckles at the silliest thing…then grows as we look around at each other with big goofy grins while we shake our heads.  i think at some point, it morphs…from a few of us laughing at something ridiculous…to a family reveling in the fact that we’re all content to sit with each other and tell stories of no importance and lean on the person who’s next to us…for support…and laugh ’til we’re tired & the tears come.  we save up for these conversations; it can be 3 of us or 9; and we can be in the house, car, or at the mall in a crowd that disappears completely when we start up for whatever reason…and it’s always appropriate…to us…

everybody who’s experienced some type of joyous…thing–large or small, would probably like to capture the feeling, or the smell, or the sound of that experience…to keep for themselves, or share with others, whatever the case may be…i would too.  i wouldn’t want to keep it though–i’d give a little to everybody if they asked…and i’d want to watch them hear…see their reaction to the cackles, chortles, chuckles, wheezes and such, following any silly thing we hear, say, and then rehash.

it really is just laughter…merriment…mirth…glee…a simple thing, not a requirement to the livelihood of some…but effortless and true…without malice or judgment…it’s a necessity for me.

the fact that the grands laugh just as hard the rest of us makes it sweeter…they’ve probably experienced things throughout their lifetimes that nobody should have, but they made us anyway & protected us for just these moments…

 i recharge my battery when i’m home with them & bring it all back to my life away from them…bottled up…sharing it all with everyone who amuses me…or needs amusing…and at some point, my mouth opens and they hear my family without knowing…and they laugh like us too.

all because…

**originally posted 1/07**

…eyes are as open as my heart is now…vision is clear & all I see is good…sight is now focused as it has never been before…strength-returning…the future, within reach again.

…soul is singing to music from the sun & the stars…the pitch of our melody-perfect, as it’s carried on the wind for miles…those like us hear it, recognize, & hum along with a smile as they make their way back home to what they have.

…spirit is lifted, shining, warming everyone around me. the truth of what I feel, evident as it resonates from inside, louder & brighter all the time. I grow more everyday, as does what’s swirling within me.

…thirst for life is heightening, beyond the bounds of loneliness & doubt…desire for everything, now multiplied by two! …feelings-mutual…source of untouchable power that knows no limitations…direction I’m heading-everywhere I want.

…difficult is doable…pain-tolerable, losses are lessons, fears-fleeting…

i’m supernatural

…because you love me.

my aim

**originally posted 11/06**

 

I look for you when I’m dancing on clouds & there’s music in my heart

Because when I smile, you should too.

I come to you when I’m angry

Because you calmly put my world and troubles into perspective,

Like no one else can.

I search you out when I’m afraid

Because you hold me & let me know that there’s nothing to fear.

And I feel your love protecting me.

 

My resolve is strong as I make my way.

At times, I run with everything in me—

Running so hard that I fully expect to lift my feet & fly into your arms.

I push thru the rough times,

Carving a path that you’re proud of when you see—

Because you know it was difficult & that I meant every step.

Thru it all, you are my target, my goal…my reward.

Thru everything, my aim is you…

come to me…

**originally posted on 11/06**

 

When time spent has been blissful, carefree, and my cheeks are sore from smiling, at the end of my day, you are there–I feel you beside me.

 

When the sky is overcast and I find myself staring into my favorite shade of blue-gray, you are there, watching with me as sunshine and brilliant rainbows peek thru the deepest clouds.  You listen with a smile and your arm is around me as I tell you for the thousandth time, “I wish it could stay like this forever. . .”  And later that night, when the air is warm and stormy, the rain awakens me.  Thunder resounds and my senses are heightened, aching for any sign of you. I feel you then—you come to me.

 

Oftentimes, when I’m snapped back to reality by a passing car, or awakened unwillingly from the deepest dreams of us, I look around, reaching for you, swearing that you were just laughing with me, looking into my eyes, wrapped around me, inside me.

 

There are nights when hurt squeezes my body and worry takes my breath.  You are there, calming me, whispering in my ear as you envelope me in your arms—I feel you–you come to me.

 

My mind understands that you’re not here, but my heart takes you everywhere I go.  Empty spaces around me are filled with you.  Hell for me is life without you.

Come to me now.  Explain to me one last time why the world is worth knowing if you’re not here with me.

 

‘08 stuff

**the following was written just before this past new year’s holiday…but not completed at the time due to a death in my family on the day that i wrote it…still don’t know that it’s completed now–i had actually totally forgotten about it…but when i found it, i thought i would go ahead & post anyway…enjoy**

————

so last year around this time, not wanting to fall into that age-old trap of listing a ton of resolutions i knew i’d never adhere to, i instead made a list of things that i absolutely would NOT do in ‘08, thinking i’d have better luck sticking to my assertions this way…yet again, i failed beautifully.

i thought maybe this year, i’d just recap…or rehash, as my friends often say and do–with no expectations for my year ahead—and see how that goes.   if i’d created this web page earlier in the year, i’d have more documentation to sift thru from all of the past 12 months in order to list like, my favorite moments of the year…but due to my stubbornness & silly fears & reservations about putting my thoughts down, I’ve pretty much only captured the last 6 months here (the first 6 months could pretty much be summed up with one word…or one relationship, as the case may be…amazinglynecessarilybeautifullysoul-searchinglyheavenly…enuff said there).  impossible to recall every moment that…struck me…in some way…without heavy prodding and/or visual stimulation, so here’s a random list of things from ‘08 that i actually did/do remember…for 1 reason or another…

–broken bones
despite a lifetime of clumsiness & masterful accident-prone-ability, this was something i’d managed to avoid before this year. playing football has its perks…but multiple weeks in a half-ton ski boot humbled the crap outta me. i am NOT the superwoman (and by super, i mean ‘able to cause amazing accidents involving other people, while stealthily avoiding serious injury to my own person’) that i thought i was…

–rock & roll hall of fame
visiting this place was an experience that inspired me–as i viewed various famous-people artifacts & soaked up a ton of trivial info about them, i was amazed at how much a single person can accomplish thru music in a lifetime–either as a solo artist or as part of a band–& how these things can affect millions, the world over…so much that even a smelly boot or elastic from underwear they wore at any point in their life can be worth something to somebody, somewhere who never met them or even saw them in person. for this reason, i’ve decided that rather than discard them, from now on, i’m saving one from each pair of sneakers that i own & have begun storing them in an undisclosed closet at my mom’s house–i don’t have the space for that kind of crap at my place…she has no idea how profitable this will turn out to be for her…she’ll love me for it i think…i think i’ll leave it a surprise for her for now…

–babies
this past year, my family was blessed with 2 new babies–the first was born to my tiny first cousin (who will ALWAYS be little Le-Le to me! )…amazing how quickly you can go from carrying around & loving on a cute little kid to doing the same to that kid’s cute little kid.
about 2 weeks later, my little sister had the second baby to steal my heart last year–making me an aunt (and professional baby photographer) for the first time. i don’t think i’ve ever kissed a dimpled cheek so much in my life…gotta get him as much as i can now–before he realizes how NOT cool i am and learns to ‘toddle’ away from me…or before he’s strong enough to overcome the kissing-choke-hold i’m practicing in preparation for his teenage years…i’m just saying…he’s gonna be a big boy…but this auntie will always get her kisses!!

–blogging
besides being one of the best (cheapest & most convenient) ways of recording some of the ridiculous things i’m lucky enough to experience, i actually have the opportunity to incite feedback from the people who were there, or those who don’t understand why anyone was, which is always fun.  there’s now a spot in the world (wide web) that’s totally mine, accessible from anywhere at anytime, by anyone,  where you can find all or most of  the people & things i care about…along with a few random thoughts & opinions about…whatever…amazing.

–discovering  the difference between the blogging i’ve come to embrace and writing with a purpose. 
a couple of years ago, i began writing a random story.  i would pull it up whenever i got bored or sad and change the wording or add a sentence or two whenever the mood hit me…some time passed and i probably had about 10 pages down before i realized that it could actually lead to something more…something interesting…something entertaining. i let a few close people read what i had so far, and their encouragement and questions about what will happen with the characters next have me feeling compelled to answer. i’m still working on this story today with plans of completing it and possibly publishing it within the next year. i now have the desire to become a published novelist…and it feels great. sometimes i lose focus…motivation…other times, i’m obsessed to the point that i can’t concentrate on anything else…to finish it though, is the first real goal i’ve had in some time…i must now & i will.

 –bonfires
as stated in an earlier post–who knew sitting outside around a fire in the cold with a great group of people & cake & hot dogs could be so much fun. i definitely plan on doing more of this…if there’s gonna be cake. =))

–golf
i golfed more in the past 12 months than i have in my whole life…dunno why it took me so long to realize it could be so much fun.  i’m guessing a lot of the enjoyment comes from golfing with folks who are awesome at the game, yet
1) patient enough that they don’t mind how many times i miss the ball altogether before getting a shot off…i only do this when i’m not warmed up or something. (yeah…right) =\
2) are cool enough to climb a tree in the middle of the course in their snazzy golf gear, just because we think the picture would be funny…
3) are able to hold back guffaws and only snicker quietly as they watch me fall in a sandtrap (am not making this up)
i’ve even mastered the art of not looking so shocked when i take a swing that looks right and sends the ball sailing in the correct direction…THAT’S hard.

–england
no, i’ve never been there, but a good friend spent a few months there this year & filled me in on summa the goings-on. she dispelled lots of ignorant myths about the place…and confirmed a few things for me too (see below). she’s terribly funny & was nice enough to answer every stupid question i asked. i got to see awesome pics from her day-to-day, and even a few from stonehenge…felt like i was right there!!

a few excerpts from our emails (my questions & responses are pink, hers blue..):

do those folks over there celebrate thanksgiving? Nope, I had to work Thursday and Friday. you’re a freakin’ amurkan!!  i woulda started a petition for you to have those days off if i’d had advanced notice of the fact that they’re slave drivin’ ya over there.  ‘days never finished, massa got me workin’

 is their beer served warm? No, thank goodness….but no Miller Light or Bud Light anywhere….or Ranch dressing…ranch dressing smells like feet anyway…no big loss there.  No you didn’t!  next you’ll be saying you don’t like bbq sauce or hot sauce!  If you do, I’m coming over there!

and seriously, sum up the ‘dental’ situation over there–are the rumors true?  Not much dental insurance over here so you have to pay out of pocket…I see why they have a teeth situation.  Can’t see that anyone has ever worn braces…so lot’s o teef thrown in willy nilly…this made me laugh out loud.  The brits actually use the term ‘willy nilly’ and ‘tatty moggy’ whatever the hell that means…and they say ‘tick’ instead of ‘check’ and ‘bit’ instead of ‘part’….Typical lunch, ‘why, I only got a few of the best bits, where are all the good bits?’  o and ‘fortnight’…that’s a biggie…and ‘brilliant’ and ‘you’re a star’….they are just different…and very charming to listen to.

do they have a lunch time AND a tea time…or is tea with lunch?  Yes, they have lunch and tea…and they call dinner ‘Tea’ as well…Proper Tea is in the late afternoon and involves tea and scones and biscuits (cookies)…what the hell do they call biscuits then??  They don’t have biscuits, they have scones…which are really dense hard biscuits….if they ever had a real biscuit they would never go back to scones.is the term “iced tea” offensive to them?  Iced tea is an anomaly that they cannot understand….hahahahahaha!!!

 what’s a good dessert there?  Spotted dick.  *GASP*

are there more nekkid people & dead bodies on their tv programs?  They say the F word and you do see much more nakedness over here…sweet!!! you see lots o butt cheek…even in the commercials.

when their babies cry, does it sound like “whaaaaaa” like our babies or do they say something like “eeeeeeww” instead?  Have yet to meet a baby…but I’ll let ya know if I do…

what’s something that you/we do regularly that they just don’t understand?  We don’t travel like they do…we’re arrogant and obnoxious, mainly cause we rock!  I’m not helping the stereotype at all.  I say, ‘Ma’am’ all the time to be polite and I keep getting, ‘stop calling me ‘ma’am’ I’m not the queen!’  What I wasn’t ready for is how damn rude people are over here….old lady scraped my ass big time with her ‘trolley’ at the grocery store….i got nothing!  No, oops, or sorry, mostly just got the, ‘you should get your big ass up out the aisle before I hit it again’ look.

 …i could share more…but as i don’t want to annoy or offend any more Brits today, i’ll stop it there.  besides, you get the idea–bottom line (hehe, i said bottom) i thoroughly enjoyed my friend’s trip to england & hope she travels again at some point…and let’s me tag along then too…it doesn’t cost me a dime.  =))

i grew & learned quite a bit in the last 12 months…the thing i’m noticing is that as i grow older, i’m so much more aware of the lessons from each experience…and i retain them now–that’s a pretty cool thing.  despite any failures, and/or because of them, my year was awesome & there are lots of people who share responsibility for that…and at this very moment, i find myself more grateful than i’ve ever been.

if your new year is half as cool as my last…you’ll be one lucky sunuva—

…back in the day.

i ‘member:

when stamps used to cost $0.19.

when we played outside for hours at a time.

exchanging valentine’s cards with the whole class.

swimming at ‘the rec center.’

‘pony’ sneakers.

‘jordache’ sneakers.

having ‘real’ pen pals.

fraggle rock.

my HUGE hair.

school dances.

taping songs off the radio.

napping on the school bus…and in school…and before band rehearsal and basketball practice…i was a tired kid. (nothing’s changed.)

scoring a basket for the opposing team in a kiddie-league. (and that pretty much sums up my entire atheletic career on into adulthood)

chicken pox…thanks again for sharing, mikey.

jherie curls…still ‘all the rage’ in some geographical locations.

now & laters and nerds.

the show ’solid gold’ and how ‘dance fever’ was my great-grandmother’s favorite show ever.

pizza or chicken patties w/chocolate milk in school.

field day.

4-square & kickball.

playing with that parachute during p.e. (i enjoyed this wayyy more than i’d like to admit)

being ‘the lookout’ while my friends fought in the bathroom after lunch that one time…lol.

substitute teachers.

asking p. gonzalez in 4th or 5th grade how to say my name in spanish…jeez.

being taller than 7′ 11″ d. elliott in elementary school. =)

when it was ok to wear hi-water pants–not that i ever did…ahem.

holding hands at a movie the first time…coincidentally, this was also the day i was strapped into my first training bra…and for the record, i did NOT think ‘ernest goes to camp’ was occasion enough to warrant such drastic & embarrassing measures!

when thursdays were the best nights for tv.

atari.

getting a new pair of cowgirl boots every year for my birthday as a child.

smoky the bear.

when my fireman/former air combat medic brother would put together routines to music–on roller skates–with our cousin. (hahahahaha!!) they had lifts & everything.

how the same little brother used to scream, cover his head, and run inside when jets would fly overhead. =)

he-man.

she-ra.

‘captain kangaroo’, ‘mister rogers’ neighborhood’, ‘the electric company’, ‘today’s special’, ‘the little rascals’, and ‘the three stooges’.

nickelodeon…’double dare’ was my fave, with ‘you can’t do that on television’ coming in at a close second.

waking up on saturday mornings, just for the awesome cartoons…back when cartoons were just for kids.

‘fat albert’ and ‘the brown hornet’

staying up all night and into the morning playing super mario brothers during the summer.

dance lessons.

piano lessons.

barely grazing that one hurdle during a middle school track meet, without falling down…nevertheless ending that part of my track & field career…i’m no idiot.

reading everything i could get my hands on as a kid.

sally jesse raphael & geraldo rivera.

receiving my first cd–’arrested development’ — 3 Years, 5 Months & 2 Days in the Life Of…

my first cd purchase–’en vogue’ — funky divas

saying the ‘pledge of allegiance’ every morning–in school . (at home, we sang negro spirituals instead).

church every sunday, usually followed by a ’singin’.

all the really dangerous things we did regularly as kids–these sissy-wimps today wouldn’t have stood a chance.

bungee jumping during a torrential downpour, while my family watched-awesome.

motown records blasted throughout the house on saturday afternoons.

drinking water from the hose, back when we were allowed to use water freely, without being fined.

waking up at my grandparents house in the country on weekends and being able to walk around outside in nothing but my strawberry shortcake nightgown.

marching band…fondly…so?!

pep rallies.

falling down multiple times during school…almost always resulting in my mom leaving work early for a trip to the emergency room.

falling down during my aunt’s wedding. (i was the flower girl)

falling down at work & rolling into someone’s office…wait–that was like, last year–i just got carried away on the subject…

—anyway…if you deduced from reading this that i’m a bra-hating klutz who’s horrible at sports, crazy about her brother, and nostalgic about childhood saturdays, you’re right.
what do YOU remember?

thanks (to many)

here’s what i know:
if someone flies in from out-of-state for your birthday…
or if you’re invited over to someone’s house for drinks on a school-night…
and they show up for a late dinner downtown with 10-or-so other people that same night & laugh the entire way thru an average dinner with terrible service just because you asked them to…
or they coordinate a birthday party at your favorite bowling center to bowl multiple games & eat a cake with a picture of your face plastered on it…
and cheer you on while you bowl a lifetime high 226…
or they let you bring people with you to traipse about their property for no good reason…
or meet you out at midnight to celebrate your birthday, and dance the night away…
or volunteer to be your d.d…
or bake your favorite desserts for you…
or take you to an awesome basketball game…
or to an IMAX movie…they might care about you a little.
people are busy…lots to do…
time is precious…so remind them constantly that they are too.

thank you all for everything that you did & do, and i’m blessed to have you in my life.

thanks (to one)

i just wanna say this is the best birthday i have ever had…and that you are the biggest part of why i say that. i wanna tell you that time in my world stops and the sun shines brighter when you’re with me. i need to tell you that i laugh the hardest when it’s because of you and the feeling lingers long after i’ve stopped because i love you so much. i wanna ask you how it feels to know that you’re the most important person in someone’s life and that they don’t ever wanna experience their world without you in it again. i wanna express my excitement to you about how much we’ve done together in such a short time, and talk to you about how my expectations of our future together bring smiles to my lips daily because i know that you want everything for us that i do…and as badly too.
we just spent an entire week together for the first time ever. in that week, you visited my hometown, met my family, bowled with me, got up early for me, slept late with me, allowed me to cook you breakfast & dinner, and you ate every bite; you sang with me and for me, danced with me, ate too much birthday pumpkin roll, birthday cake, and birthday cobbler with me; Christmas shopped and exchanged gifts with me, saw John Legend with me, took me to my first IMAX movie & watched 5 others with me; ‘picumented’ my birthday party, kept me warm every night, held my hand everyday, squeezed me constantly for no good reason, and told me i was beautiful until i almost believed it…i’m still working on that…and i appreciate your patience with me in the meantime.
i just wanna say that you’re the best gift i’ve ever received…and the one i’ll always cherish the most…
you’re the thanks i offer at the end of every prayer, and my proof that they’re answered.
that’s all…i just wanted to say…today.

a story

a story you say? you want me to tell you a story. let’s see…there are lots floating around in my head…i guess i could tell you about the silly girl who loved a lot: she loved people and she loved life and she shined brightest when she was around the people she loved the most. she spent all her time laughing and being laughed at, and she was good with it all. as she got older, she experienced a couple of relationships that dimmed her a little…but she was able to get past them completely when she met the person who made her shine brightest of all. this person represented every happy dream the silly girl had ever had…every silly wish she had ever made…this person got every stupid joke the silly girl ever told, and validated every silly feeling the silly girl ever felt…yet, actually showed interest in more than just the silly girl’s ’silly’. and as time went by, the silly girl began to feel…more than silly. she felt…alive…mature…even beautiful…respected…and necessary. the now, ‘more-than-silly’ girl began to thrive, and blossom into the woman she was meant to be. she pledged her undying love and devotion to the one who saw every facet of her clearly and nourished all of her more than any other had before. they grew together, challenging and motivating each other, becoming closer and loving harder as time passed.  from what i understand, the two of them are on their way to becoming well-known authors/photojournalists, traveling the world and writing about their experiences…happy and silly…silly with happiness.
the end.

…a pretty good weekend.

rundown of my weekend (i’d call it a success)…

friday: rented movies after work…watched 3 of them before going to sleep (see below)…pathetic?! i think not!! some people actually LIKE doing that sort of thing.

saturday: great, early breakfast with one of the funniest people i know, at the coolest bakery in town…then grocery shopping at trader joe’s, followed by the best nap ever in the history of the world. woke up to get dressed in layers & layers of clothing for a bonfire-my first ever-at a friend’s house. soo much fun! ended up coming out of at least 2 of the 7 layers i was wearing–who would’ve ever guessed that a bonfire would actually be warm?! roasted hot dogs (not for myself), marshmallows, plates & forks, napkins…and any other paper goods i could find. i ate half a cake, and laughed lots & lots.
my 2 favorite lines from the night:
1) “you’re goin’ to hell on scholarship!!” (shot straight from the mouth of one…cool…chick)
2) (spoken by an adorable sliver of a person, no taller than 5′2″) “in my mind, i’m bigger than all you bitches!!”
really big fun.

sunday: slept very late…had a slice of leftover cake for breakfast. (who knew you could have the best cake you’ve ever tasted at a bonfire!? …then rushed to the theater to see a movie that had me weeping like a baby for about an hour.
a good friend and i saw ‘the secret life of bees.’ separate blog about this movie to follow.
after the film, we dried our eyes while laughing at ourselves & headed directly to our scheduled softball game with a few of the most fun & spirited special olympics athletes around. you can’t end your day any better than with those smiles and awesome attitudes.
yeah, if for no other reason than laughing with those kids while playing in the sun, my weekend was a success.

friday nite movie-fest:
movie 1: ‘all about us’ – indie, starring boris kodjoe…sweet movie about a couple attempting to make their dreams come true…while dealing with the realities & challenges of life itself.
movie 2: ‘finn’s girl’ – another indie about a single mother attempting to raise a very unruly 11-year-old daughter, who can’t seem to get past losing her other mother to cancer. abortion plays a primary role in this unconventional love story…worth watching again one day.
movie 3: ‘forgetting sarah marshall’ – actually made me chuckle more times than i expected. story about a man (jason segel) who’s world crumbled like dry cake in heavy hands when his girlfriend (kristen bell) leaves him for someone else. he goes on vacation to a place she’d mentioned while they were together…and guess who’s there…? he really is the funniest pathetic naked guy you’ll probably ever see in a movie. worth a watch…if you can handle all the full frontals…

my sunshine

after the storm, she bounces around in the sunlight
relaxing, expanding, warm with feeling
cool with everything
good in the world
no fears, not alone…warm
she dances throughout the rays
sniffing the flowers
singing loudly, her own tune
of sunshine-worship
and farewell to loneliness
and heavy
and rumbles from others
are now the bass to her song
as she sings
basking, lighter, louder
happy, warm…
gliding flying
with a goofy smile on her face
she takes off 
with sunshine on her back.

back here…but still there

so, i’ve been back from vacation for awhile now, but still can’t get it off my mind. i’ve made a list of everything that made my time away wonderful…it’s sort of a blueprint for what all the rest of my vacations should consist of from now on…let’s see…there was:

frisbee/football in the park
an amazing play in an awesome theater
puppies
pizza
carrot cake
fried rice
wine
music
guitar hero
staying up late
getting up later
sunshine/awesome weather
doughnuts
manicures
good people
silly grabbing
barking
baked beans
the mall
godiva hot cocoa
henri bendel candles
grilled veggie burgers
dallas cowboys
stir-fried tofu
heroes
plasma tvs
broken dvds
toilet repair
morgan freeman
steve carrell
fun pics
love
laughter
kisses
midnight naps on the couch
squeezes
cuddles
snuggles
closeness
…except next time, i don’t want any goodbyes…
thanks for making everything a positive experience…

give & take

i offer an apology, a promise…a snack, a meal, a drink…a reason why there will be times when i know i’ll forget to think…a smattering of understanding, an iota of unselfishness, a path that takes the long way ’round, avoiding any mess…a bit of sugar from my lips to make soft or sweet the blow of heavy words that cut into the love we’ve come to know…my hope that we always bounce back to just before i said them, with you telling me you love me, in another slice of heaven.  offer your voice, your laugh, the way you joke, when you don’t even know i need it…and the feeling of adoration…you’re amazing in my eyes…believe it.
i offer you the heart you would’ve taken anyway, and the soul you give a song to sing every single day, if you’ll offer me the hand i love to feel, to watch, to hold…and offer me the strength i need to listen, learn, and grow.
i’ll offer me, you’ll offer you, we’ll accept us as we grow and learn together…and carve our path throughout this world, throughout this life…forever.

ok

the beauty of it is:  i always feel ok…well maybe not always feel ok, per se, but even when things are ‘iffy’ and there doesn’t seem to be a way out of the conversation/situation that’ll be favorable to both…i still feel ok.  it’s kind of like knowingly having all the resources for any given situation, whether you’ve ever been in that particular position or not…you don’t give in to worry because you know you’re equipped with all the tools to work your way thru it.  it’s like knowing that your favorite dessert, in the perfect sized serving will be waiting for you at the end of every meal you have…or an impending thunderstorm at the end of a long, hot, busy day when all you want is your own space, with a cool breeze wafting thru open windows and your privacy. 
no matter how much we dread the particular discussion, or the outcome of it, we know that we’re both willing to work at it until it’s all ok.  until we both feel better.  better doesn’t always come immediately, but it’s always within sight…always within our grasp. i never doubt that ‘ok’ is right…there.

today’s definickisms

larger than life: someone who wanders into your life and has such an effect on you and/or your situation, that you know that by simply meeting them, you’ll never be the same again.

crazy luck: when that person volunteers to stay around…like, forever.

DOO-DOO-DOOT-TO-BEE-BOP-PEE-DOO: nic skatz

that’s crap: “i’m sorry, i don’t agree.”

yeah, so?!: “ok…you were right, and i was wrong.”

oh?: “seriously, i’m only listening to you to be polite.”

aww, precious lamb: “you poor dolt.”

that was a good story!:  “got any pancakes?”

too funny: “i’m sleepy.”

of course i’m listening: “nap time!”

vegas, huh…?

sooo…i’m a north carolina girl, born and raised.  while i’ve visited a few other states, i’ve only lived here. i’ve resided in a few different parts of the state, from western nc where i’m from, to the central part of the state, where i live now. i love it here and have never seriously considered living anywhere else.
since i moved to this particular area, i’ve felt that it’s the most ideal place for me at this point in my life. my family isn’t very far away, my friends are close…the weather’s awesome, i’m only a few hours from the beach or the mountains…i get to play all the sports i want (whether i’m actually any good or not)…which speaks to the thing i find that’s most important about this area–the people here are freakin’ awesome. everywhere i go here, i feel like i’m home–if i’m not mistaken, there’s actually a saying (or maybe it’s a song) associated with this state: i love calling north carolina home. …sickening, isn’t it? someone so happy to still be living where they’re from.
but…i’m starting to wonder now…
could my ‘happiness’ just be complacency? am i just content living here because it’s familiar? safe?
i’ve been posed with the question recently of whether or not i would move away from here…start over with someone. without ever feeling i had a reason to before…i find myself actually feeling tingles of excitement when i think about that possibility. my family would probably think i was crazy if i expressed this to them….but i know they would understand…my friends would understand.
i will flourish, i will succeed, i will do my part…for us. while i have jitters, i won’t worry. i know that if there was ever a perfect opportunity, a perfectly valid reason for me to try something/somewhere new, it is now…you…my one…my prize.
where ever you want to go, i will too. i can succeeed anywhere you are. and vegas sounds like a good place to start.

friends

you don’t have to see them everyday to know they’re there. you don’t have to test them repeatedly to know that you could if you needed to. you don’t have to laugh at everything they say, or eat everything they cook. you can be allergic to their pets, or to the foods they eat, so they can’t always kiss you goodbye. you don’t have to know all their family members to know that you’re one too. you don’t have to call them sisters, to feel just as close.
what you do have to do, is appreciate any time you get with them, because the fact that your lives, relationships, careers, and goals are all different makes everything you have in common–even if it’s just your differences–and everything you do together more special…more real.
what you do have to give them is your respect, your understanding, and anything else they ask for that’s in your power to give. they’re your family away from home. you don’t have to always get along in order to be close, or agree in order to get along. you just have to love them–tell them, if you have the words, show them if you don’t..and realize that chances are, they’re taking care of you at times when you don’t even realize. give thanks for them, and cherish them, as they do you when you have no idea you’ve even crossed their minds.
for as long as you’re lucky to have them…show them how lucky you feel that, at least a small part of them, for a fraction of time, is there for you.