α γ α π η

say it.

nic — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 21:36:45 +0000

words…i have plenty…about the weather, which is unseasonably warm for january, about my friends, one of whom is now considered a superhero by all my accounts…about how you can be caught off guard by exactly how close you can feel to any one friend, given the moment that you both find yourself struggling through at any point…about how a missed birthday greeting (regardless of how much you told yourself not to expect it in the first place) can affect you, no matter how great your bday turns out to be otherwise…because this makes things final…even when you’d told yourself months ago that things were as final as they could be…about money and how you have enough, in one respect, but then not enough to do everything you want, when you want, and how you want.

i have words about the heart and about how with every new flex of its muscles, you wonder if you’re making the right decision. and your heart says it’s happy, whether what you’re doing works out or not…and that trying, alone, is always the right decision because love is worth taking a chance for, no matter the situation…

…words about stress and happiness and wisdom–which you can gain every day, if you’re paying attention…about how being open to trying new beers can fill you up so fast, you don’t care to try anymore…because, you just don’t understand…beer..and everyday beer drinkers…words about writing and how amazing it feels while you’re doing it, but that the struggle is actually in the motivation–not the words themselves.

i think you can be afraid, when words are your preferred medium, about the picture you’ll paint once you put them down. you don’t want to say anything to belittle your happiness, or sadness, or hope for any particular situation to work out the way you want. words can cover all that, but your heart will only express what you’re feeling in that moment…right now, i’m feeling…excitement…hopefulness, but i’m also feeling pretty stubborn about a particular situation…because i refuse to settle, and i refuse to let anyone settle for me…but that’s not to say that i don’t feel afraid/anxious about a friend & her health…or about upcoming travel i’m nervous about planning.

words. pick, choose, and share how you like…but no matter what you put down, those words will be correct, because as 2 of my best friends always tell me, “it’s how you feel…”…quite simply the best advice/affirmation i’ve gotten in years.

nic — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 13:09:25 +0000

so here’s the thing…i’ve apparently lost motivation to sit still long enough to string a group of words together coherently (among other things)…i’ve lost focus…if i ever really had it in the first place. i’m having a good time, experiencing new things and people, but have completely gotten away from documenting these things with more than a tweet or pic on facebook.
…am working on it though. summer’s over…fall time’s writing time. and i’ve got to stop worrying about the fact that everything i want to write is not positive or funny…but true and current…it’s life…and this is my spot to express mine…can’t be concerned with boring or hurting anybody.
also, i’m learning to meditate, which is funny because every time i’ve attempted to grasp the concept in the past, i’ve woken (<–weird word) an hour later, confused…and hungry…sometimes gassy too–but nevermind that–i can’t possibly be the only person that’s happened to…
my point: i’m trying…and hopefully, i’m back.

nic — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 13:22:33 +0000

the past few months have been rich…and ripe…with experiences of all kinds…filled with lessons, travel & adventures…heartbreak. unexpectedly, the ‘cool & amazing’ has held its own against most of the ‘difficult & painful’…and all things considered, life is still as mellifluous and as appetizing as ever. ups & downs later, i still savor everything, and remain determined to live life to the fullest…in complete honesty, and in all fairness to myself and everyone i love.

nic — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 19:20:47 +0000

another gorgeous, 60 degree winter day here in nc and of course i’m hemmed up in a barnes & noble at the mall…thinkin’ bout everything, writing bout nuffin. stiff & sore from a 6 mile run (crawl) yesterday, but happy to be here. waiting on 2 good friends to meet me for a drink, a lil shopping, and lotsa laughing like we do.
last time we got together here to do the same thing, i tripped & hit my head…like i do….yeah, at the freakin’ mall. but nobody saw it but them…and the knot on my forehead was barely visible under the hat i used to hide it…good times.
and this has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but i’ve already counted 3 different people of 2 different races/ethnicities walking around here barefoot…completely barefoot…no shoes nor a stitch of anything else on their feet. it’s freakin 60 degrees…but even if it were 85, what the crap?!

keeping warm

nic — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 02:56:37 +0000

this is the coldest freakin’ winter i can remember. we’ve had more snow & just brutally cold days & nights in the past 8 weeks than i can remember in all my memory’s winters combined…i don’t know how you would combine all my memory’s winters, so that was silly to say…but i meant it.
anyway, it’s almost the end of january already…that means soon it’ll be february and, as far as i’m concerned, march is spring…so c’mon summer!
am already looking forward to the warm weather and the things that i’ve got coming up in my life between now & when it gets here…one thing is a move (within the same town) that i’m sorely looking forward to…not because there’s necessarily anything wrong with where i live now…dot, dot, dot.
but it’s a needed change. new space = new atmosphere = new opportunities & experiences…and i’m excited to see what all that will bring.
another thing is a cruise (my first) in fewer than 90 days from now. i can’t wait. the group of people i’m going with are over 85% of the reason for my excitement. you ever meet new people who feel like old friends to you almost immediately? i met that group of folks last year & along with a few very close older friends, have had more fun and laughed harder in the past year than i had in a long, long time. i would call them all my sisters at this point because they feel so much like my family. 2010 was amazing because of them and i am grateful…and excited for everything to come.
the biggest thing on my mind right now: a half marathon coming up in march that i’ve registered for. never having run before, i’m a little skeptical…not of my will to do all i can to complete the training program and finish the race…but my ability to keep my balance & finish the race without hurting myself or someone else. to put it gently, i think if those i’ve played sports with were given these choices: chunky old man, spastic chimp, runner, peg-legged pirate…and were told to choose the one i resemble most during any sport…well nevermind…(i’d choose spastic monkey too).
so, it’s cold, dark, and dismal outside my window right now…but i’m snuggle-toasty with possibilities, the warmth of great people, and wonderful memories from the past year keeping me cozy & propelling me back out the door each day, bundled in the love of my friends & family & their support in everything i do.

for colored girls…and everybody else

nic — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 21:33:21 +0000

i see movies all the time. i’m that chick who pays for a blockbuster online membership, but still can’t stop myself from running to the store anytime of the week to rent something i wanna see that has taken too long to show up in my mailbox…mostly (ok, only) because i haven’t returned either of the movies that did show up, but i haven’t watched because i’ve been ‘too busy’…so there, they’ll stay ’til i either watch them or admit that they maybe shouldn’t have been as high in my movie queue as they were because i have no interest in watching them anytime soon anyway…in which case i throw them back into the mail, unwatched, to be picked up, and 2 more to be sent in their stead…sometimes that just happens…
when i’m not renting or buying movies to watch at home, i’m at the theater…i spend way too much on that too…ok, not the movie so much as the junk food & drink i buy to crunch/smack on during the movie. it all goes hand in hand. but i will say i’ve gotten better about eating better-priced junk food before going to the theater so i can save a few bucks…notsomuch the calories though…might work on that next.
…you didn’t really need to know all that.
i love tyler perry…i love his story, what he stands for, and how he represents…not necessarily me personally, but my appreciation for spiritualism in my life with a little humor added in to get the point across to those who otherwise, might be bored with the concept in any other form…including church on sundays.
i think i decided years ago, after first watching a recording of one of his plays on tv with a friend, that this was a man i wanted to support. this was before i even knew who he was, or where he’d come from/what he’d survived as a child. so, i’ve seen all of his movies, and appreciated his efforts, even if all i got out of the film was a chuckle or two, via madea or brown…or if all i left with was a gladness that i’d caught a glimpse of the treasure who is cicely tyson. some of his films, i’ve seen in the theater more out of a duty to see this man do well and grow as a film maker/storyteller, than out of the expectation of something great.
but, today i saw ‘For Colored Girls.’
i’ve never read ‘For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf’…a book of poems, adapted from a play by Ntozake Shange…but i will…and it’s because of this film. i’d seen a few trailers for this movie, and was immediately interested/curious…the cast alone was reason enough to give it a shot–i could never pass up a chance to see loretta devine, phylicia rashad, kimberly elise, thandie newton, kerri washington, and whoopi goldberg, all in the same film–and learning that it was based on a critically acclaimed play/book was icing. i felt like TP would have a blueprint to follow…a way to stick with the story being told without feeling compelled to deviate in order to add actual bible verses or a ‘coming to Jesus’ moment in order to please his ‘old-school religious’ fans. i guessed that when tackling an established story (or in this case, a group of poems) he’d have a better shot at the ‘closure’ or the ‘resolution’ i sometimes feel that his films leave me without. i’m no critic though…i could’ve totally missed his point a few times…i do that now & then.
i guessed correctly though. i felt like every actress in this film, and in effect, the director, truly put his or her heart into each line, and story, and emotion…and for that, i’m truly grateful…glad that i saw the film and witnessed this man do it right, from beginning to end, and put himself on another level completely. in my opinion, he attempted this with ‘the family that preys’…but missed the mark by a bit.
i mean it when i say that every single actress in this movie played the part/wore the color that was meant just for her…and it showed…not just onscreen, but in how much i felt myself investing in the sorrow and the hope, and the desperation and anger i felt along with each character i watched. and it showed in the tears and horror that echoed throughout the theater all around me…and in the applause at the end.
i was truly proud of this movie when the credits began to roll…and i’m extremely proud of tyler perry and saw today, for the first time, what he’s capable of getting out of actors he works with when there’s a solid story to tell…and i hope he continues to find stories that allow him and those he chooses to work with to flourish the way this movie did.
like i said before, i see lots of movies all the time, but this one actually won a spot in my heart. and i hope this film, its actors, and its director get every ounce of credit due. they will from me anyway.
for the record, kimberly elise made my heart break, phylicia rashad helped mend it. thandie newton cracked me up, but showed me her heart more than i’ve ever seen it before. loretta devine reminded me not to let people ‘take all my stuff’ from me, but showed me just how easy it is to allow it. janet jackson gave me strength and poise, and anika noni rose made me want to hold her & rock her like a baby forever.

bravo & thanks.

back

nic — Sun, 24 Oct 2010 00:31:14 +0000

it’s been a minute since i stretched my mind, worked this keyboard, took the time to put thought to ‘paper’, aired my brain, my vibe, for folks to see…been awhile since i’ve shared the beats in my head that i skip to that you’ll never hear-but feel instead, as i light up your world and expand your head like the laughter from your childhood Christmases or your favorite toys and make you smile as you remember the joy of how it feels to be truly content for however short the moment…while forever, the memory holds that spot in that corner of your heart when your mind switches off long enough for the spark to catch fire that’ll warm you all over and last thru the cold that life sometimes throws your way.

silly little gardens here & there

nic — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 16:44:03 +0000

it’s mine: THIS day, THIS time, that smile you just gave me.
it’s ours: this world-to travel & discover, to write about, to marvel at…if you haven’t marveled in awhile, you really should sometime…takes you back to youth, innocence…back to a time when you didn’t already know everything…when experiences could still be new to you and make you smile…or cry, because smiling wasn’t enough.
it’s theirs: the negativity, prejudice, the ignorance, judging, suspicion…don’t claim any of that–let THEM keep it all contained within the dark world they reside in, only casting shadows your way from time time…shadows that you’re too bright to let cover you.
it’s free: the kindness you feel towards others, the trust that they’re amazed to see you extend their way before they’ve even given you a reason to. the desire you see in them to keep that trust intact because it’s something they haven’t been granted too many times before…they marvel and remember THAT day, THAT time, your way…and they consider showing the same grace to someone else…that ounce of consideration adds a little light to their darkness…shortens the shadows a bit.
it’s just a naive, idealistic seed to start with…impractical in some situations…but sweetly appropriate in others. they don’t always take root…but i’m still blessed to see them planted from time to time.

like a cold shower

nic — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 01:58:33 +0000

i break the surface to sunshine and a breeze, warming and cooling my ‘summer-skin’. i’ve called it that since a week ago when i noticed i’d reached my yearly goal: an even tone all over; and i smile because i know i’m getting darker by the second. i blink the water from my eyes and my lungs stretch and fill as i glide to the side of the pool, resting my chin on wet arms folded atop the warm cement. the previously-muffled music from the outdoor speaker nearby is clear to me again–another layer to the chillest vibe i can conjure at one of my favorite places in the world on a summery, saturday afternoon. i take in everything–the warmth, the absence of clouds and stress, the sounds, the wind that’s blown past me now, touching trees in the distance, the feeling of peace…”a moment of perfection” i almost say to myself…but before i know what’s happening, the dog i never heard coming licks half my hyper-allergic face in one.big.drippy.lap.

help

nic — Sat, 29 May 2010 16:08:38 +0000

prayer…heart’s wishes to the most high, whispered in a panic, sung in a song…or yelled from the gut with all the force of love, fear, desperation…hope.
rare, is the patience for results…
“i’ve prayed, now fix him…please,” is what my mind says as my ego denies that i’m bargaining. “…i’ll do better, be better, try harder, call more…”
promises are heavy and i tire easily. i constantly work to strengthen my body, but am shocked with how weak/meek my happy soul feels every time i flex it in prayer for those i love when they’re hurting.
my heart tells me my ‘everyday prayers’ just won’t do in these cases…”daddy deserves more than that,” i tell myself. next thing, i feel like i’m screaming my words, willing them up as high as they’ll go, but all i hear is a hoarse whisper…unsure about whether any other being hears anything at all…because i haven’t been as good as i could’ve been.
then, he gets to go home…somebody else must’ve been praying too.